I'm Losing Control...
I really feel like everything that I worked so hard for is just failing. My marriage, my life, friends, everything. I'm working so hard to make this marriage work between John and I but, we are both hard-headed, and one of us has to change and wants the other person to go first. Lately, I've been feeling like I have to be the bigger person with everything that happens in any relationship that crosses me. Friends, family, and love. John is so different from the person that I married hes so different from the person that was in Iraq just 7 months ago. I saved all these e-mails that he sent me and now reading them again John hasnt done anything that he promised me. I dont think that I have changed. but, I'm sure that I have. I think with having Hunter run around and having another baby on the way something that John and I both wanted then when it happens John now has changed his mind. I'm stuck in a 23 year old body with a 35 year old mind. I feel like John is just to immature for me that hes more into drinking and hanging out with his buddies then working on our relationship. Which makes me cry just writing that then seeing it in black and white. I really wish that I didnt love him anymore. It would make moving on so much easier. But, theres where I'm losing control, I want to make John feel the same things that I do and he be that romeo that rides on the white horse. I dont know maybe my dad read me to many of these books that just dont happen in real life. Geez, those kids books are just full of crap. I think that maybe it should tell the truth. You know that if girls arent big breasted that guys wont look at you, that if you hang out with more guys then girls then people will think your a slut, if you were glasses and are in band then your a dork, elementary school is fun, Jr. high you look funny just like everybody else, and in High school if you dont have the hottest things then your poor, etc. everyone should remember those days arent to far behind us. I loved when my parents told me that I should date alot and when I did I was accused of sleeping with everyone. When I wasnt at all. Matter of fact I didnt lose my "V" till I was 17 years old. So, blah to my parents. I tried weed just like every other teen and I didnt like it. And even after I was out of high school and John was doing it everyday I smoked it with him and still didnt like it. Then never did it again. Its really sad that parents look to there sons and daughters differently. My brother lost his "V" like 2 weeks before my wedding and did my parents say anything probably not. Which just pisses me off. My brother did everything I did before I did and I get kicked out of my house. What kind of shit is that? Thats great parenting isnt it?