I really dont know why I'm sitting here writing about something I dont know what to write. In my relationship with John I felt so big and now I feel tiny. Im waiting for the depression part of my life be over with and I can be happy again. Even watching my 1 month old smile brings a little smile to my face but, other then that nothing. I'm at the point of just crying all the time and sometimes for no real good reason. For example I was talking to this guy that was in John company a year or 2 ago on IM and he made me some little roses and told me that I looked nice and I just started crying. Since I was on webcam he saw and felt bad at first. But, it was tears of a little bit of happiness and a little bit of sadness. (crying) I just so need to hear that John loves me. This has been the worse year of my life and its only Feb. John hasnt called or left me a e-mail since the one telling me that he thinks he doesnt want to be married anymore. That was Sunday. I know its only Wed. and to just give it time but I fear that if IF something happens to John then the last thing he said to me was he wants to leave me. I have 21 messeges on my answering machine all from John that I saved and I cant bear to listen to it. I miss him and his voice and everything about him. My friend Emily said that in her blog that buying something for herself felt really good and that its the small things in life. Hearing John tell me that he loves me is the only true thing in life right now that would make me happy. I know its sad to say that. To think that someone and can have so much power over how you feel but, John does. Every morning I wake up praying that I have something from John anything. I get nothing. I dont know how much longer I can do this.