Sorry its been so long everyone anyone...
Things have been more crazy then ever before. I can say this with the up most honesty. I'm jealous of all my friends that are married. I wanna be married too. I want a husband that loves me and my kids and have that white house on a hill in a nice area of town with good schools. Im not meant to be single I know why Im here on this earth and thats to be a wife and mother and one of the things that i was i am no longer. I'm moving back to the crapy state of Michigan and try and pick up the pieces from there with nothing but my children that I would give my world too. Its hard to be strong for someone when you feel weak yourself its hard to believe in yourself when you feel like a failure. Its really hard to be a military wife one day and the next your not. I was happy being a proud military wife and now i cant say that. I dont know where my life is going to be. I'm scared and having 2 great kids makes it harder. I loved John with all my heart and I tried with every ounce of my being to be there for him and treat him right and I know that I havent but that has changed now. I had a shell that was protecting me from being hurt and now I feel like that shell is just been ripped from under me and I'm naked, alone, and cold. I feel everything. For so long I have been this person that can take the heat and dish out what was givin to me and now I cant. its weird. I dont think I have ever felt like this before. I know that I dont love John well maybe I do a little and I'm just protecting myself again but I cant. I just want to be over him already. I really want to be married again and I have someone in mind who. I know that its to soon that I havent even left the state yet but this person is special to me and I'm not going to rush it. I just cant wait till I get my own place and everything is new and MINE! I hate this and who its making me be. I mean I spent 5 years with this guy. Had 2 of his kids followed him across the country. I cant help but think about all the good times we had and it just brings me to tears. I just hope that one day soon very soon I can look back and think wow I never thought I was going to make it. I want to look back and say John what a dumbass you are. How stupid were you? I hope that day comes soon I really do.