1 week day 2...
John called and it wasnt a nice phone call again. He hung up on me because he didnt wanna start a fight. The weed thing he said that it was just all in good fun and joking. Which I think is immature. He said that if thats how I think than I should just leave him. What a jerk.? He was also telling me that if I dont stop trying to start a fight then hes just not going to call anymore. Which that this point I really dont care. I also told him that I really didnt care if this deployment was 5 years long. He didnt like that and I dont blame him I pretty much said it because I wanted to piss him off. He was giving me some kind of attitude from the time I picked up the phone. He said something about there was a dust storm going on and that he had to walk a mile and a half to call me. And that he just spent 3 days in the field eating MRE's (Meals Ready to Eat) and had to drink water and sleep with everyone that was in a space the size of our closet. I dont know if he just wanted me to say "aww poor baby" but that wasnt going to happen. Oooh man just let him not call me for a LONG TIME and I dont know what I will do. I asked him if he wanted to say in this marriage and he said he did and that I should know that. But, I didnt know that. The way that hes been acting I dont know what to think about this whole relationship. I feel like I'm doing so much to work things out and I feel like I dont get the samething back from him. I love John so much, I really do. I wish I could just know if this marriage is going to work out. I wish I could get a phone call with him crying and saying that he loves me and misses me so much and that hes sorry for being an asshole to me and the kids and he promises me that hes going to be better once he gets back. Yeah I know wishful thinking. Right? I think that maybe John might be having a problem with alcohol withdrawal. Going from drinking EVERY single weekend to nothing for 2 weeks. Is that something that can happen? It has to be able to happen. To me and I think that I said this before that to me with Josh being out there I think that he cant be missing me so much and he was never REALLY there for the kids so this whole being out there sucks so bad I think its all bullshit. With Josh out there and theres no wives and kids so I dont see how it can be sooo bad. And there not even in Iraq yet there still in Kawait. Nothing happens out there except for training. I dont know. Enough with John.
Today, for myself was just crazy. I was breaking down this morning. With John stressing me out then, Mason was hungry and I have that clogged milk duct so I can only really get milk from one breast and thats only about 2 oz def not enough for Mason to eat and I didnt have any formula and Hunter wasnt listening to me. I just broke down and cried. I was completely losing it. I really felt like I needed to scream and have a huge punching bag. But, I fed Mason with what milk that I did have and I got Hunters shoes on and we left. I was losing it so bad I didnt even wear make-up leaving the house. We went to Toy-R-Us and I got Hunter some new shoes that he needed really bad and Mason some formula and because Hunter was so good in the store I got him some trucks. Since, we have been home hes been so good. I'm getting a new water heater which was just so needed. I have been able to only take 10 minute showers for months now. I know to some people having a 10 minute shower is enough time but I love HOT showers where the water makes your skin red and 10 minutes is never enough I need 20 minutes or more. So, thats about the only good thing that has happened today. Geez, thats just really sad that getting a new water heater is more exciting to me then anything else that has happened. Yeah thats really sad. Oooh well. Take it easy.