One Week Without John...
Today, was just a blah kind of day. I took out the garbage and did the dishes and cleaned the bathroom. Mason just slept and ate and pooped. Hunter was just on my hip all day. I paid some bills and got Masons baby pictures in the mail that was taken in the hospital. I also took some pictures of Hunter and Mason together on the couch. There so cute. I can really tell that Hunter loves Mason. John of course didnt call but I have a feeling that he will in the next few days. Joshs wife however did call and was just talking my ear off about how tired she is and blah blah blah...shes about 7 weeks preg. I got alot of phone calls today. Which was nice. However everytime I was feeding Mason or was just about to. The house is finally looking nice. Now without John here I dont have to pick up after him and Hunter its now just Hunter. Hes stuff is just toys and Johns its clothes and guitar crap and army crap and dishes. I def. have my hands full. I took care of some important things today like getting Masons SSN and I should be getting that form here in a few days so I can get the freaking taxes done. I can really use the money right now. Just to pay bills and get these credit card bills paid off. I'm not totally sure if I wanna send John his guitar and buy him a amp. This whole John and Josh thing is REALLY bugging me. Its just something that I just cant shake. Oooh just thinking about it gets my blood pressure up. I wish I would get some positive comments on this blog about John and I because I dont want to leave John I do love him and I think he loves me I mean he says it. I have throught about leaving him just because of the way he acts. But what good would that do? I mean I would take the kids and he would have everything else. He would do whatever he wanted. Hows that going to work for me? And I wouldnt leave the kids with him and just me leave. I love them kids more then I love myself. I just wish that we as a couple would go to concerts and hang out and you know do whatever. I get tired of just being a house-wife and mother and not going anywhere on the weekends. I want to party and get drunk and flirt with him but I cant because someone has to be the adult for the night and get up with the kids etc. To me it seems like John always get to have the fun. And this could make me cry but its always without me. Last year it was Ozzefest and him getting drunk EVERY weekend. Hes friends asking him to go places outside of work and not even once thinking that oh his married it would only seem right to ask her to come along. I dont need friends to hang out with and I'm not saying that John cant have friends I just want us to have friends that are just like us in the sence that we are a family and its not just John but the (our last name) family. Why dont people get that? Or at least his friends? I'm not about going to the bar and hanging out with girl friends sitting back drinking. I wanna do that with my husband. I wont want to hang out with just me and my friends and I'm married and thats just the way it is. If someone whats me to go somewhere then John should be able to come also without question. John is a part of me in every way shape and form and I should be a part of him. I just dont get that feeling. I am however going to put a large stack of cash for me and the kids in case something does happen and I do have to spilt for a day or for forever. I have talked to a few professionals about it and they agree thats a good idea since things get really bad between John and I. He has called the cops on me before. If thats not F'd up then I dont know what is. Ooh I know how about that happened while I was 6 months preg with his kid. Yeah what a guy. Isnt he the best? I hope he calls soon hes really put me in a pissed off mood ever since he hung up on me.