Pure Crazy..
Thats the best way to put today as. Ryan, Dusty and there little sister Hailey all wrote me some nasty e-mails through myspace today. Calling me names and etc. It kinda hurt Im not going to lie. I can tell this is going to be a ugly divorce and Im really not ready for all that. I got Rose to watch Mason and Hunter today for me so I could do whatever I needed to do. Sadly, I only got to go to the bank and that was it. I opened a new checking acct at the post bank and when I get the chance then Im going to move the money to a reg bank. But, hey its a start. I talked to my therapist today and he wanted me to stay here and wait for John and I was thinking about this all day and I didnt come up with a answer till about 4 hours after talking to him. Having Ryan, Dusty and Hailey all write me mean and nasty e-mails just made me wanna leave and go back home. I got Hailey wanting to kick my ass. Thats just peachy isnt it? What immature low life losers!? I talked to Bryan some more today and that cheered me up. He always just gets me to smile. I was weighing John and I and I just feel that I need better in my life. John didnt give me affection like a man should to his wife. I talked to him about it and it didnt change. I talked to my mom about what I should do and she helped me come up with just coming home. I know that I wouldnt be able to handle John talking to everyone from Belleville and hes smoking again and that would just be more fighting and thats just what I dont want. I dont think I would be able to take them calling and talking to John. We would just fight more. I wrote John just telling him to just file for it and lets just get this done and over with. I guess he wont be able to get BAH once the divorce is final because BAH only goes to married soldiers and John wouldnt have enough money to pay for a car and rent to a apt. Im plaining on talking to his SGT tomorrow. If I get back home and once he gets back home if he doesnt file then I will. I hear that its only like $120.00 to get the paper started. I just want this to be done and over with so I can move on and go on dating without feeling guilty. I dont know just cant wait to get home. I talked to my friend Tami who just bought a house and Im going to try and move in with her. She has a 3 bedroom house. Im sure the boys and I can share a room. I would pay for half of everything that I used. She needs to talk to her boyfriend. I know that it would just be better that way then living with Johns mom and dad. Talk about memories. I know that I should be taking things slow with this Bryan guy but, we both want the samething. He even went to the extent of telling me that he was always jealous of what John had (me) and that he was even inlove with me! Talk about shock! Good thing I wasnt on webcam with that one. My mouth hit the ground. He said that he would love to love and care for me and my 2 boys and that if he had a place in GA that he would just want me to live there. Talk about sweetheart. All I know is that I always liked Bryan and that he always makes me smile just seeing him on webcam he doesnt have to say anything and I just lite up. I even got the butterflies and the rush of warmth inside everytime we talk. I havent felt that in YEARS! I know that this will to someday pass just like with John but, I know that John and Bryan are totally different. Bryan is more family goal and John is more friends goal. Bryan wants to be close and John wants to be far. I see Bryan I see happiness and I see John and I see pain and hurt. They are just two totally different people. Bryan wants to settle down and have the family and John doesnt. Bryan doesnt drink to get drunk and John does. These are all the things that I was thinking about today. I know that I have a lot to lose if Bryan and I dont work out and thats a risk. But, everyday is a risk. Im not saying by all means that Im rushing into things I mean my God Bryan wont even be home till Aug. and thats just for R&R and then hes right back into Iraq till Dec. and I think that if he was to come to Mich or he was to fly me and the boys down to see what it would be like see if there is something there then who knows what might happen. Aug. is still months away and things can change and Dec is even longer. I know I can see my dad's head shacking and thinking Megan this is to fast. I know dad and mom. I know. Bryan and I have alot to talk about and get to know about each other. Im by all means not going to marry this guy unless I know for sure that I have seen him at his worst and at his best. I wanna fight with him and see how hes like. I wanna know what are his buttons and how he is. Is Bryan a positive person for my kids to be around? Is hes friends respectful to me and my home? Yeah Im taking this slow. I know it may just seem like its moving to fast but its really not. I still have alot of work on me to do and alot of pieces to pick up for myself before I jump into anything. I have to make a home for my kids first. Talking about home I was thinking about taking some online classes for college as im working. I know that I could get some kind of AID for it. Then once the kids are in school then take classes head on and work or cross my fingers be married again and then I wouldnt have to work and I could just take classes and be a stay-at-home mom again. Which is something that I really truly loved. I dont know it was just a throught. I know that I wanna go to college I just gotta get home and find a home and a job and get this divorce finalized. Well, I only had 3 hours of sleep last night and its already almost 3am so I gotta hit the sheets. Night all.