What a Day...
Well, today just has been crazy. Crazy I tell you. I got most of John stuff packed and I have a friend that is going to take it for me and put it in Josh's van. I hope theres room for it. I mean theres 2 foot lockers and I have like 4 garbage bags and thats not even half of it. I cleaned out most of John's den and I think I'm going to put all the things that I want to sell in there and have people come in and buy whatever they want. I'm still in shock by this whole thing and I walk around this townhouse thinking back to when John and I looked at it and we both got really excited and was planing what and where we were going to put things. Now, thats all in the past. I have to say when I woke up this morning I was just laying there before the kids got up and was thinking about the mornings on the weekends when John was home and what we would do for that day. I get really sad again and miss him and the way he felt in bed and what he smelled like after a shower and the little things that we would do on the weekends. I dont have that anymore. I was his sweetums and he was my pumpkin, he was my big daddy and I was his lil' mama. I think about the good things that we did and the things that we shared and its all gone. I really love John and with all the crap that hes putting me and the kids through I still do love him. I worked so hard to make this work to prove to everyone that because we were young getting married that we would still be together after 80 years. I still feel like everyone that stands behind me is just laughing at me and telling me that they told me so. I just want someone to love me. I need that. I've always had a boyfriend growing up and now its hard to be single again for the first time in 5 years. I never cheated on John. I never meant to hurt him. I know that I did somethings wrong. I guess one thing that I can think about right now is that John taught me something that no one else has and that was to say sorry. As stupid as that is its true. I'm kinda excited about dating again. But still in the back of my mind I think about John having another girlfriend and I get jealous or him going to the strip club or just doing everything that he knows that I wouldnt like him doing and that really makes me upset that he might do it. Just the throught of him being with someone else makes me all sick and upset. I hope he still feels the same way. I dont believe he can just stop loving someone just like that. I cant. Its going to take sometime and I know that I will get over him just like all the others. Its just going to be harder this time because I have 2 of his kids. Hes going to be part of me forever. Anyways...Im back to eating again after not eating for days. The stress of John and this deployment was killing me and I got down to a very scary 95 lbs. Everytime I was talking to a friend on webcam he kept saying that everytime he talked to me I looked skinner and skinner. Geez, I cant stop thinking about the good times. I was just thinking about when John came and picked me up from the hospital and it was New Years Eve night about 10 something and we were on our way home and we were joking about having to get a bigger car that our car was getting full. We were talking about more kids and now thats not going to happen. This was the first New Years that John and I kissed at midnight every other year I was working or he was gone on a deployment or he was sleeping because he had to work the next morning. Wow its gone just like that. Sorry to be jumpping from subject to subject things are just kinda flying to me about the good times. I know that John and I had our fights and we had them alot and most of the time they were ugly and scary but I still love him. Alot. I even wore my wedding ring for a while today and it was kinda nice. Man, I should have taken my happy pill today. I can tell I'm falling into a bit of depression. I cant stop crying and thinking about him. I wish things would have been different. I guess the good things that are coming out of this whole thing is that..well, I'm back to talking to my parents again after about a year, Im getting my own place, I have 2 of the worlds cutest kids, I have tons of friends that are standing behind me, I have guys coming out of the wood work asking me out, (LOL) I'm smarter about marriage and can say been there done that, and now I know that my parents and ex in-laws were right that marriage isnt a walk in the park. Its really hard to be married and I was ready John wasnt. I guess I need someone thats much older then me someone that is on the same mature level as me. Iraq changed John into someone that I cant love the same way. Because he isnt the same person that I married. John was warm and caring and when we had a fight he would follow me around till I told him what was wrong with me and he would say sorry and we would be fine. Then he leaves for Iraq and comes home and its like he wants to be 16 again. He wants to drink and hang out with hes friends and just be single. He wanted me to clean up after him and cook him meals and everything like that then people wanted to know why I was acting like his mom because he was making me act like his mom. I always felt like I should be paid for watching him and that I needed to protect him and watch over him like his mom because I thought it was because I love him and I thought that was what I was suppost to do. John and I agreed about 6 months ago that divorce was to never be a option for us that we may of had our fights but we would always get over it and be better in the end. I feel a little let down because I really believed that was never going to happen. I dont know. I have alot to do tomorrow and I wanna pack what I can still and hope to get it out of here tomorrow. That way its just another thing that I dont have to worry about. Well, Mason and Hunter are sleeping and the house is quite and its just me and my throughts and about a billion things to do and work out. I have a babysitter for tomorrow thank God for Rose. I'm going to my therapy appt at noon then its to the bank and finding a new bank and going to U-haul and getting a hitch for the car and getting the car ready with the oil changed and getting the tires looked at and I got the trans fluid changed a few months ago so that should be good then getting the belts and all the fluids checked. Yeah tomorrow will be a busy day. I hope to get my boxes tomorrow to then I can start packing and sending off things back to Kathy and Larry's. This is crazy what is happening. I just cant wait till its over and done with. CANT FREAKIN WAIT!!!
Well, today just has been crazy. Crazy I tell you. I got most of John stuff packed and I have a friend that is going to take it for me and put it in Josh's van. I hope theres room for it. I mean theres 2 foot lockers and I have like 4 garbage bags and thats not even half of it. I cleaned out most of John's den and I think I'm going to put all the things that I want to sell in there and have people come in and buy whatever they want. I'm still in shock by this whole thing and I walk around this townhouse thinking back to when John and I looked at it and we both got really excited and was planing what and where we were going to put things. Now, thats all in the past. I have to say when I woke up this morning I was just laying there before the kids got up and was thinking about the mornings on the weekends when John was home and what we would do for that day. I get really sad again and miss him and the way he felt in bed and what he smelled like after a shower and the little things that we would do on the weekends. I dont have that anymore. I was his sweetums and he was my pumpkin, he was my big daddy and I was his lil' mama. I think about the good things that we did and the things that we shared and its all gone. I really love John and with all the crap that hes putting me and the kids through I still do love him. I worked so hard to make this work to prove to everyone that because we were young getting married that we would still be together after 80 years. I still feel like everyone that stands behind me is just laughing at me and telling me that they told me so. I just want someone to love me. I need that. I've always had a boyfriend growing up and now its hard to be single again for the first time in 5 years. I never cheated on John. I never meant to hurt him. I know that I did somethings wrong. I guess one thing that I can think about right now is that John taught me something that no one else has and that was to say sorry. As stupid as that is its true. I'm kinda excited about dating again. But still in the back of my mind I think about John having another girlfriend and I get jealous or him going to the strip club or just doing everything that he knows that I wouldnt like him doing and that really makes me upset that he might do it. Just the throught of him being with someone else makes me all sick and upset. I hope he still feels the same way. I dont believe he can just stop loving someone just like that. I cant. Its going to take sometime and I know that I will get over him just like all the others. Its just going to be harder this time because I have 2 of his kids. Hes going to be part of me forever. Anyways...Im back to eating again after not eating for days. The stress of John and this deployment was killing me and I got down to a very scary 95 lbs. Everytime I was talking to a friend on webcam he kept saying that everytime he talked to me I looked skinner and skinner. Geez, I cant stop thinking about the good times. I was just thinking about when John came and picked me up from the hospital and it was New Years Eve night about 10 something and we were on our way home and we were joking about having to get a bigger car that our car was getting full. We were talking about more kids and now thats not going to happen. This was the first New Years that John and I kissed at midnight every other year I was working or he was gone on a deployment or he was sleeping because he had to work the next morning. Wow its gone just like that. Sorry to be jumpping from subject to subject things are just kinda flying to me about the good times. I know that John and I had our fights and we had them alot and most of the time they were ugly and scary but I still love him. Alot. I even wore my wedding ring for a while today and it was kinda nice. Man, I should have taken my happy pill today. I can tell I'm falling into a bit of depression. I cant stop crying and thinking about him. I wish things would have been different. I guess the good things that are coming out of this whole thing is that..well, I'm back to talking to my parents again after about a year, Im getting my own place, I have 2 of the worlds cutest kids, I have tons of friends that are standing behind me, I have guys coming out of the wood work asking me out, (LOL) I'm smarter about marriage and can say been there done that, and now I know that my parents and ex in-laws were right that marriage isnt a walk in the park. Its really hard to be married and I was ready John wasnt. I guess I need someone thats much older then me someone that is on the same mature level as me. Iraq changed John into someone that I cant love the same way. Because he isnt the same person that I married. John was warm and caring and when we had a fight he would follow me around till I told him what was wrong with me and he would say sorry and we would be fine. Then he leaves for Iraq and comes home and its like he wants to be 16 again. He wants to drink and hang out with hes friends and just be single. He wanted me to clean up after him and cook him meals and everything like that then people wanted to know why I was acting like his mom because he was making me act like his mom. I always felt like I should be paid for watching him and that I needed to protect him and watch over him like his mom because I thought it was because I love him and I thought that was what I was suppost to do. John and I agreed about 6 months ago that divorce was to never be a option for us that we may of had our fights but we would always get over it and be better in the end. I feel a little let down because I really believed that was never going to happen. I dont know. I have alot to do tomorrow and I wanna pack what I can still and hope to get it out of here tomorrow. That way its just another thing that I dont have to worry about. Well, Mason and Hunter are sleeping and the house is quite and its just me and my throughts and about a billion things to do and work out. I have a babysitter for tomorrow thank God for Rose. I'm going to my therapy appt at noon then its to the bank and finding a new bank and going to U-haul and getting a hitch for the car and getting the car ready with the oil changed and getting the tires looked at and I got the trans fluid changed a few months ago so that should be good then getting the belts and all the fluids checked. Yeah tomorrow will be a busy day. I hope to get my boxes tomorrow to then I can start packing and sending off things back to Kathy and Larry's. This is crazy what is happening. I just cant wait till its over and done with. CANT FREAKIN WAIT!!!
posted by BroenEyedGurl @ 8:46 PM
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