Day 1 Of Mother-In-Law....
So, last night I stayed up till like 2am cleaning my kitchen. I go to bed and I have like the mother load of nightmares about John. I woke up at like 3:15am and felt sick and was really upset. I was going to get up and write on here what is was about but I had to get up at 10 after 8 to pick up Kathy (M-I-L) from the airport. We went to lunch and every fine. The talk was little slow between the 2 of us. I guess theres just nothing to say. Her son is leaving me and 2 kids and now she is here to help me move. I think what the worst part is that she is wearing a button of John and his Brother Jamie on her shirt from our wedding. I dont know why I'm crying this divorce is something that is good. I guess the shock of everything that has been happining over the last month or so is finally catching up to me. I look around and I see theres still tons to pack. Things that I should have packed a long time ago. I guess I was just hoping for that phone call from John saying that he was sorry that he loves me and the boys more then anything in the world. I now know that thats NEVER going to happen. Today, I got the car looked at and everythings fine. Kathy and I got the trailor from U-Haul and tomorrow is cleaning and more packing. I just may even send some more boxes out. I think I need to go out with Al tomorrow too. I just wanna get away from things for a while and have some fun. I guess in some way I dont really wanna leave. It almost feels like I'm letting John get his way. I dont know I just hope that I will get over it and fast. I dont wanna deal with more depression in my life. I think I need some good now. Kathy, is staying with me for the 2 nights that shes going to be here. So, I wont be online tonight good thing my cell phone has IM. LOL! Ok well, its already 20 to 9 and Hunter is in the tub and Mason boy is next thats if I can get him out of Kathy's hands. I know Kathy wants to go to bed here and she sheets for the bed isnt even in the dryer yet. Later All.

How The Hell Are You...?
I'm so sorry that its been so long. Nothing really has been going on. I've been sending boxes, packing, getting crap together. My mother-in-law is coming Tuesday...KILL ME NOW! As much as I love the woman she drives me crazy sometimes. I still feel that I'm watching where I step so I'm not steping on anyones toes. I kinda went off on her today. I dont wanna talk about John so I'm just not.
I talked to Bryan for a while this morning. Someone stole his password and was talking to me. It was weird. I also noticed that I was taken off his myspace and was put on his block list. So, he didnt know anything about it till this morning. We got the myspace worked out not he just needs to change his password for yahoo. Other then that Bryan is doing great! Hes 100% better from the flu, and is just working crappy hours. I guess he wont have a day off till he gets home on leave. Also, hes going to have to get up for work at like 6:30am so he cant stay online for very long at night.
Friday, I went out again with Al. Just dinner at Olive Garden and a movie we saw Stay Alive it was pretty good. Al, jumpped which made me jump. It wasnt nothing all that special. Hes birthday is the 4th and he'll be 20. I'm having trouble to find out what I should get him.
My friends are having some hard times with there marriages. Emily and Don and Robin and Ken. Looks like the deployment from Iraq is catching up with them. Robin and Ken are having a hard time with bills, and making money. I really wish I was there with them to help out but being so far theres just nothing I can do besides be here when they need to vent. I read there blog and I have got pretty worried. Robin had a preg scare and Ken hates his job and Christina is getting older. There house is falling apart due to all the hurricanes just this last year. What a mess I tell you? Emily and Don are having there own hard times. Don is having a REALLY hard time after coming home from Iraq the 2nd time. I guess hes not sleeping and cant find a job. Emily was this stay-at-home mom and is now the money maker. I guess Don is also going back to childhood like times. Just like John is with all his pot head friends. I really hate what the Army is doing with our soldiers. The soldiers arent getting any help when they get back and once your time is up your time is up. I've totally turned away from this war now. Its just not worth it anymore. Our soldiers are to young to be going somewhere like the Middle East. The soldiers that I have talked to said the reason why they joined was because they want the college money. Why doesnt the president just lower the cost of college and then maybe just maybe things would be better.
Well, its getting late and I have to go to bed now. Nighters!

Its been 2 days now...
I have alot packed and more to do. I see the days just flying by right now. Johns mom is starting to turn on me. I guess once again my parents saw this before I did and didnt wanna believe it but my parents were right AGAIN! I hate that. I know that everyone is going to freak out but I went on a date on Friday (St. Patties Day) Hes name is Al and hes 19 years old and it was just dinner and a movie. Hes from Dearborn and hes in the Army. Now I can just hear it now. What about Bryan. Hes still there. I'm still very much around for him. This guy Al is just a nice guy that wanted to take me out. Nothing happen. I know some of you wonder if John was to do this how would he feel and right now I dont care. He has hurt me more then I can count. Its just nice for someone else treat me like I should be. I know that Al is younge but, it was just dinner and a freakin movie. We talked about Mich (cause hes from there too) and myspace and John and the Army. It was def something that I needed. He even got online that night to tell me that he had a great night and that he hopes to do it again sometime. He asked me to go out again this Friday but I dont know. I still have lots of things to take care of. However, all work and no play makes Megan go crazy. I think I just might.
I called the Good Will today they are swinging by to pick up the couch, chair and dresser on the 30th. Also, the day that we are leaving. I called Tri-West (was Tri-Care) about the insurance and getting that moved. I have paper work to fill out and send in. Then I have to find a doctor for the boys and myself. I feel really good about all this. Just a little suprised that this is all has to happen in a week and a half. Ok well its late again and I didnt sleep all that great last night so Im pooped. Nighters!

Wooo...
Hello hello hello, sorry its been a while. So, 95% of the house is packed. Hunter is being a good boy kinda. Hes learned out to get a chair and climb to the food. Hes been also playing with the cleaners under the sink which Im not happy about and I know that he shouldnt. Mason is still my sweet baby. Hes sleeping through the night and eat really good. I just love my boys to death. I went to the PX the other day and was really sad that I was leaving Fort Lewis. I bought out just about everything that says Army, Ft. Lewis etc. I also got Hunter boy some more clothes.
The internet for Bryan has been down for a few days so I havent been all the able to talk to him like I should be. Well, the net is working again thank God. But, Bry is sick with the flu. I feel so bad for him. I just wish I was there or wait I wish he was here that way I could take care of him. I hate being sick and being alone and sick is the worst. I hope he gets better soon. I wish it was Aug already. I cant wait to go down and see him in GA. See where or if anything is going to happen. Its late as always gotta hit the sheets.

Busy..
So, its been awhile since I wrote and now that I have fans reading about what the hell Im doing I better keep you updated. So, Ive sent out like 7 boxes already and I think its cost me almost $150.00. But, hey its worth it in the long run theres no turning back now. I've sold one of John guitars and hes amp for a total of $60.00. I still havent posted the other things that Im selling because Ive been busier then shit. I think its time for a break from Hunter hes driving me just freaking crazy. Having to carry Mason around isnt helping either. I went out for lunch at the only good chinese place around here. For me and Hunter to have a plate and one kids pop and one adults pop it cost me like $8.50. YUMMY....Im going to miss eating there. I think Im going to get a cell phone here soon that also has IM on it so I can still talk to Bryan (the love of my life right now) in the morning while Kathy and I haul ass to Michigan. Ok, now lets talk about Bryan (butterflies) so, I was a little upset about him the other night because lately it was just feeling like I was telling him all these things about how I felt about him and I wasnt getting the samethings. He saw by my face that something was wrong and he didnt have to full hard to get it out of me. I just flat out asked him where was he in life and what did he want from me. This is what he said to me word for word. "Megan, my wild and party days are over and I want to settle down, and I was hoping that it would be me and you and you and me, I love you and them boys like crazy, I cant wait to get home and see you to see if we both feel the same way over the computer face to face. I care so much about you and how you feel about everything. Your happiness means alot to me. You always make me smile and always have." Let me just jump in here and say at this point I was crying. I dont think I have ever saw a serious look on Bryans face before in my life. He also said that the reason why he just doesnt come out and say that to me now is because he thinks that I wouldnt believe him and that once we are together that I would know because he would be able to show me. That being in Iraq right now there isnt much he can do. Talk about WOW! I was left spechless as you can think. He said that he was sorry that he didnt know that I needed to hear that and that he would change that. Guess what? He did. More then what I could ever say about John. He now tells me that I look sexy even in the morning before Ive taken a shower and brushed out my hair. He always asks about the boys and how are they doing. He always sees what I have plained for the day. He makes a effort on talking to me morning and night and when he has meetings during the day he comes back to his room in between the meetings to talk to me even if its only for 5 minutes. HELLO! John has never ever ever done that. BIG POINTS!! I just cant wait till Aug. Im just dying to know where is me and Bryan thing is going. I know that he wants to buy a house and he wants to buy a house with 3 bedrooms (wonder why), he brought up a few times to me that he wants to get married in the next 2 years or so, and he wants to have a family of his own. Ok like not to jump the gun here but for the longest time I've just wanted a house and family and a husband that had a normal job and he would come home and take the boys out front and play ball with them till I made dinner and then call them in we would eat and watch TV and the hubby and I would give the kids a bath and read them there stories before bed then the hubby and I would go back down stairs and watch TV maybe drink a glass of wine to help relax and then go to bed ourselves. Its kinda weird that Bryan and I are in the same place in life because John wasnt there at all. Something else that kinda got me off guard was that I had asked Bryan how many kids did he want and he told me on top of the 2 I have that he wanted 2 or 3 more. I couldnt believe it. I was just so you fill in the blanks. I havent taken any of my meds in weeks now. I just havent needed to. I also dont think Im going to see the therapist anymore either. I went on Monday and we kinda just sat there and talked about John and Bryan and before I knew it I didnt have anything else to say. I still had 30 minutes left and we just kinda BS around about what was going to happen once I got out there and if my car was able to handle the trip. Blah blah blah. I have a appt with him on Friday at 11am but I think Im just going to cancel it and tell him thanks for everything. That Ive learned alot and that Im going to a ply it to the ralationships in the future. So, thats whats been going on in the last few days.

Just Another Day..
Ok so today I finally made it to the u-haul place Im getting the hitch put on on the 25th at noon. I got the trailor for the 28th sometime in the afternoon. I got new wind shield wipers for the car and Wade said that he could put them on for me. He said that he would change my oil and check my fluilds for me and the breaks and everything else. So that should save me some money. WOOHOO! I also went to my therapy appt today. I told him (Dr. Webster) that I was going and just go home and now we are working on how I can be ok with John seeing other people. I know that thats something that I think about and it just gets me really upset. I know that John is going to see someone someday if he hasnt started something with someone else. I know that I want him to be unhappy and die alone and never even talk to another girl. I also know that that will never happen. I just have to learn how to deal with it. Ok well before it gets to late I better go to bed. Night.

Lazy Day..
I didnt do a damn thing today. I didnt pack or do anything. I am going to be selling one of Johns guitars and hes amp for 60 bucks. Thats one guitar down one to go. This is going to be a short post. I talked to Bryan this morning online. I wrote to his sister Brandi. Shes preg with her first baby and Bryan throught that talking about the baby would be a great way to start talking to her. I guess to Bryan if Im going to get in that through his sister is the way to go. Well, its just getting later and later that Im staying up so I better go to bed now. Night!

What A Day..?
Ok so I have all of Johns things packed. Yesterday I said i did and I totally forgot about his books. So, now hes done. I just need to get them out so I have something to work with. I took pictures of Johns things that Im selling and I'm going to try and get more money out of the guitars then just taking them to the store and selling them that way. If they dont sell then I will as a last resort. I keep thinking I need the cash. I hope that someone will buy them and everything else that Im selling. I cant freakin wait for Ikea to open in Michigan. OMG thats where all my money is going.LOL. Ok so today what did I do. Well, mom I'm already a step ahead of you and I got 4 boxes from the post office. I also got the boxes that I ordered on Saturday. So I have like 6 or 7 boxes packed and ready to be sent. I talked to the manager to the complex and she said that I didnt need Johns orders to get out of the lease and that I just need to clean and turn in the keys with a address for the bill. How sweet is that? I know that this is probably wrong to say but I have like $7,008.50 to my name in my acct. I know that to me seems like a good start. Thank God John gets paid again before I leave. I still dont have a place to stay and I know that living with my mother-in-law is a option. Not the one I want but one nevertheless. My friend Tami just got a house but it doesnt look like Im going to be able to stay there. Cant stay with the parents due to my cranky brother. Yeah and it would just be crazy with having 4 adults and 2 small kids. I bet my mom and dad would love to see the grandkids like that but I know that it would just start a fight between everyone and thats not something I wanna risk. My other friend Raluca said that she could try and get me to work at the bank that she works at. It has benifits and they even pay for your college.! I havent heard from John and I dont think that I am. He said something to me the other day about coming out on leave to see the kids and I just dont think its a good idea yet. I bet if anything he doesnt wanna see the kids but to hang out with his pot head friends. And must I forget Nicole the hoe Deja. LOL thats funny! Oooh man. Bryan called me today. That was about the only good thing that has happened today. we talked for 20 minutes. He wants me and the boys to come to GA for a few days in Aug when he gets his R&R. He even said that he would pay for the tickets. Is that crazy? Mom and dad he has some college and he thinks he wants to work at the fire department. Dad he has 2 mustangs! LOL. I guess this can be good that Aug is what 5 months away and if everything cont's to go as well as it is then I dont see why I shouldnt. Not to sound like a gold digger here but its hes dime. I was also thinking and I know that this is out there but just think about this for a sec. what if just by something of a higher power wants me to marry John then I meet Bryan then John and I get a divorce and it leaves me 5 months to relax get things together with the parents then marry Bryan. Ok I know what your all thinking. Girl its almost 5 am and your not in bed yet and your just going on and on about Bryan. Just how cool would that be? What if Bryan and I are ment to be together and this deployment for Bryan is suppost to make things better with my parents and make me a stronger person. I dont know maybe Im just talking out my ass here. Ok so for tomorrow I have to wash clothes and pack some more. Friday is going to be CRAZY! Im going to see if Rose can watch Hunter and Mason so I can send some of these boxes and then I have to get the hitch to the car and get the trailor, I also have to get the car looked at. Yeah Friday is the big day of the big things to do. I hope to have everything packed by this weekend. I HOPE! Then I can just worry about sending all this crap out and selling everything that I can. I still hope that Tami can come through for me. (cross fingers) Did that answer your question mom? Mason and Hunter are doing just fine. Im doing great! With Bryan talking to me as much as he is I cant stop smiling and just thinking how excited I am to move back home. Olga's YUMMY! My own apt. GO ME! Im also going to try and get Bryan to come out to Michigan to see me too. Sorry for jumpping around. I just have alot on my mind. Things are just crazy. Ok lets recap: No word on John, got boxes and started packing, gotta VERY busy day on Friday, talked to Bryan on the phone and the internet, Hunter and Mason are doing just peachy. Mason my sweet baby sleeps through the night now. Hunter my little wild man keeps me running around after him. Ok all well its like 5am now and I think I better go to bed. Love you all! Thank you all so much for the support and well wishes. I know that I can do it with people like all of you in my life. Hunter and Mason are the things that keep me going and make me wanna give them the best. Without them I wouldnt care much about whats going on but, because I have them here I wanna prove to everyone that they are the core of my being. Later..Peace out.

Not Enough Hours...
There just isnt enough hours in the day I tell you. I get up earily and it still feels like I didnt get anything done. I did however get all of John crap packed. WOOHOO! I took out the garbage and did the dishes twice in a row. That should just tell you just how far behind I really am. I dont have a thing packed for myself and these kids. I dont have the boxes that I ordered. Grr..I dont have the hitch for the car, I dont have anything. I think the only thing that I got done was Johns crap and the bank and thats still not 100% done. I made a list thats more then what I made before. I took most of Hunters teddy bears and Im giving them to the Good Will. Hunter was screaming and crying when I was packing them. Im going to take Johns guitars and amp to somewhere and sell it. I hope that I can get something worth it out of it. LOL. I cant wait to hear what John is going to say about me selling his guitar and amp. I mean that is his life right now. I started looking for apartments around town. I found 5 so far and Im going to call when I get a chance and check for rent, deposit, pet fee, and sq. footage. Im kinda excited about all this. I got John into trouble for the picture that he had on his myspace acct. I mean he was pointing a 9 mil at another soldiers face.! What a jackass I tell you. I dont know. I think thats all I have to say for now. Im so tired. Night all.

Pure Crazy..
Thats the best way to put today as. Ryan, Dusty and there little sister Hailey all wrote me some nasty e-mails through myspace today. Calling me names and etc. It kinda hurt Im not going to lie. I can tell this is going to be a ugly divorce and Im really not ready for all that. I got Rose to watch Mason and Hunter today for me so I could do whatever I needed to do. Sadly, I only got to go to the bank and that was it. I opened a new checking acct at the post bank and when I get the chance then Im going to move the money to a reg bank. But, hey its a start. I talked to my therapist today and he wanted me to stay here and wait for John and I was thinking about this all day and I didnt come up with a answer till about 4 hours after talking to him. Having Ryan, Dusty and Hailey all write me mean and nasty e-mails just made me wanna leave and go back home. I got Hailey wanting to kick my ass. Thats just peachy isnt it? What immature low life losers!? I talked to Bryan some more today and that cheered me up. He always just gets me to smile. I was weighing John and I and I just feel that I need better in my life. John didnt give me affection like a man should to his wife. I talked to him about it and it didnt change. I talked to my mom about what I should do and she helped me come up with just coming home. I know that I wouldnt be able to handle John talking to everyone from Belleville and hes smoking again and that would just be more fighting and thats just what I dont want. I dont think I would be able to take them calling and talking to John. We would just fight more. I wrote John just telling him to just file for it and lets just get this done and over with. I guess he wont be able to get BAH once the divorce is final because BAH only goes to married soldiers and John wouldnt have enough money to pay for a car and rent to a apt. Im plaining on talking to his SGT tomorrow. If I get back home and once he gets back home if he doesnt file then I will. I hear that its only like $120.00 to get the paper started. I just want this to be done and over with so I can move on and go on dating without feeling guilty. I dont know just cant wait to get home. I talked to my friend Tami who just bought a house and Im going to try and move in with her. She has a 3 bedroom house. Im sure the boys and I can share a room. I would pay for half of everything that I used. She needs to talk to her boyfriend. I know that it would just be better that way then living with Johns mom and dad. Talk about memories. I know that I should be taking things slow with this Bryan guy but, we both want the samething. He even went to the extent of telling me that he was always jealous of what John had (me) and that he was even inlove with me! Talk about shock! Good thing I wasnt on webcam with that one. My mouth hit the ground. He said that he would love to love and care for me and my 2 boys and that if he had a place in GA that he would just want me to live there. Talk about sweetheart. All I know is that I always liked Bryan and that he always makes me smile just seeing him on webcam he doesnt have to say anything and I just lite up. I even got the butterflies and the rush of warmth inside everytime we talk. I havent felt that in YEARS! I know that this will to someday pass just like with John but, I know that John and Bryan are totally different. Bryan is more family goal and John is more friends goal. Bryan wants to be close and John wants to be far. I see Bryan I see happiness and I see John and I see pain and hurt. They are just two totally different people. Bryan wants to settle down and have the family and John doesnt. Bryan doesnt drink to get drunk and John does. These are all the things that I was thinking about today. I know that I have a lot to lose if Bryan and I dont work out and thats a risk. But, everyday is a risk. Im not saying by all means that Im rushing into things I mean my God Bryan wont even be home till Aug. and thats just for R&R and then hes right back into Iraq till Dec. and I think that if he was to come to Mich or he was to fly me and the boys down to see what it would be like see if there is something there then who knows what might happen. Aug. is still months away and things can change and Dec is even longer. I know I can see my dad's head shacking and thinking Megan this is to fast. I know dad and mom. I know. Bryan and I have alot to talk about and get to know about each other. Im by all means not going to marry this guy unless I know for sure that I have seen him at his worst and at his best. I wanna fight with him and see how hes like. I wanna know what are his buttons and how he is. Is Bryan a positive person for my kids to be around? Is hes friends respectful to me and my home? Yeah Im taking this slow. I know it may just seem like its moving to fast but its really not. I still have alot of work on me to do and alot of pieces to pick up for myself before I jump into anything. I have to make a home for my kids first. Talking about home I was thinking about taking some online classes for college as im working. I know that I could get some kind of AID for it. Then once the kids are in school then take classes head on and work or cross my fingers be married again and then I wouldnt have to work and I could just take classes and be a stay-at-home mom again. Which is something that I really truly loved. I dont know it was just a throught. I know that I wanna go to college I just gotta get home and find a home and a job and get this divorce finalized. Well, I only had 3 hours of sleep last night and its already almost 3am so I gotta hit the sheets. Night all.

What a Day...
Well, today just has been crazy. Crazy I tell you. I got most of John stuff packed and I have a friend that is going to take it for me and put it in Josh's van. I hope theres room for it. I mean theres 2 foot lockers and I have like 4 garbage bags and thats not even half of it. I cleaned out most of John's den and I think I'm going to put all the things that I want to sell in there and have people come in and buy whatever they want. I'm still in shock by this whole thing and I walk around this townhouse thinking back to when John and I looked at it and we both got really excited and was planing what and where we were going to put things. Now, thats all in the past. I have to say when I woke up this morning I was just laying there before the kids got up and was thinking about the mornings on the weekends when John was home and what we would do for that day. I get really sad again and miss him and the way he felt in bed and what he smelled like after a shower and the little things that we would do on the weekends. I dont have that anymore. I was his sweetums and he was my pumpkin, he was my big daddy and I was his lil' mama. I think about the good things that we did and the things that we shared and its all gone. I really love John and with all the crap that hes putting me and the kids through I still do love him. I worked so hard to make this work to prove to everyone that because we were young getting married that we would still be together after 80 years. I still feel like everyone that stands behind me is just laughing at me and telling me that they told me so. I just want someone to love me. I need that. I've always had a boyfriend growing up and now its hard to be single again for the first time in 5 years. I never cheated on John. I never meant to hurt him. I know that I did somethings wrong. I guess one thing that I can think about right now is that John taught me something that no one else has and that was to say sorry. As stupid as that is its true. I'm kinda excited about dating again. But still in the back of my mind I think about John having another girlfriend and I get jealous or him going to the strip club or just doing everything that he knows that I wouldnt like him doing and that really makes me upset that he might do it. Just the throught of him being with someone else makes me all sick and upset. I hope he still feels the same way. I dont believe he can just stop loving someone just like that. I cant. Its going to take sometime and I know that I will get over him just like all the others. Its just going to be harder this time because I have 2 of his kids. Hes going to be part of me forever. Anyways...Im back to eating again after not eating for days. The stress of John and this deployment was killing me and I got down to a very scary 95 lbs. Everytime I was talking to a friend on webcam he kept saying that everytime he talked to me I looked skinner and skinner. Geez, I cant stop thinking about the good times. I was just thinking about when John came and picked me up from the hospital and it was New Years Eve night about 10 something and we were on our way home and we were joking about having to get a bigger car that our car was getting full. We were talking about more kids and now thats not going to happen. This was the first New Years that John and I kissed at midnight every other year I was working or he was gone on a deployment or he was sleeping because he had to work the next morning. Wow its gone just like that. Sorry to be jumpping from subject to subject things are just kinda flying to me about the good times. I know that John and I had our fights and we had them alot and most of the time they were ugly and scary but I still love him. Alot. I even wore my wedding ring for a while today and it was kinda nice. Man, I should have taken my happy pill today. I can tell I'm falling into a bit of depression. I cant stop crying and thinking about him. I wish things would have been different. I guess the good things that are coming out of this whole thing is that..well, I'm back to talking to my parents again after about a year, Im getting my own place, I have 2 of the worlds cutest kids, I have tons of friends that are standing behind me, I have guys coming out of the wood work asking me out, (LOL) I'm smarter about marriage and can say been there done that, and now I know that my parents and ex in-laws were right that marriage isnt a walk in the park. Its really hard to be married and I was ready John wasnt. I guess I need someone thats much older then me someone that is on the same mature level as me. Iraq changed John into someone that I cant love the same way. Because he isnt the same person that I married. John was warm and caring and when we had a fight he would follow me around till I told him what was wrong with me and he would say sorry and we would be fine. Then he leaves for Iraq and comes home and its like he wants to be 16 again. He wants to drink and hang out with hes friends and just be single. He wanted me to clean up after him and cook him meals and everything like that then people wanted to know why I was acting like his mom because he was making me act like his mom. I always felt like I should be paid for watching him and that I needed to protect him and watch over him like his mom because I thought it was because I love him and I thought that was what I was suppost to do. John and I agreed about 6 months ago that divorce was to never be a option for us that we may of had our fights but we would always get over it and be better in the end. I feel a little let down because I really believed that was never going to happen. I dont know. I have alot to do tomorrow and I wanna pack what I can still and hope to get it out of here tomorrow. That way its just another thing that I dont have to worry about. Well, Mason and Hunter are sleeping and the house is quite and its just me and my throughts and about a billion things to do and work out. I have a babysitter for tomorrow thank God for Rose. I'm going to my therapy appt at noon then its to the bank and finding a new bank and going to U-haul and getting a hitch for the car and getting the car ready with the oil changed and getting the tires looked at and I got the trans fluid changed a few months ago so that should be good then getting the belts and all the fluids checked. Yeah tomorrow will be a busy day. I hope to get my boxes tomorrow to then I can start packing and sending off things back to Kathy and Larry's. This is crazy what is happening. I just cant wait till its over and done with. CANT FREAKIN WAIT!!!

Sorry its been so long everyone anyone...
Things have been more crazy then ever before. I can say this with the up most honesty. I'm jealous of all my friends that are married. I wanna be married too. I want a husband that loves me and my kids and have that white house on a hill in a nice area of town with good schools. Im not meant to be single I know why Im here on this earth and thats to be a wife and mother and one of the things that i was i am no longer. I'm moving back to the crapy state of Michigan and try and pick up the pieces from there with nothing but my children that I would give my world too. Its hard to be strong for someone when you feel weak yourself its hard to believe in yourself when you feel like a failure. Its really hard to be a military wife one day and the next your not. I was happy being a proud military wife and now i cant say that. I dont know where my life is going to be. I'm scared and having 2 great kids makes it harder. I loved John with all my heart and I tried with every ounce of my being to be there for him and treat him right and I know that I havent but that has changed now. I had a shell that was protecting me from being hurt and now I feel like that shell is just been ripped from under me and I'm naked, alone, and cold. I feel everything. For so long I have been this person that can take the heat and dish out what was givin to me and now I cant. its weird. I dont think I have ever felt like this before. I know that I dont love John well maybe I do a little and I'm just protecting myself again but I cant. I just want to be over him already. I really want to be married again and I have someone in mind who. I know that its to soon that I havent even left the state yet but this person is special to me and I'm not going to rush it. I just cant wait till I get my own place and everything is new and MINE! I hate this and who its making me be. I mean I spent 5 years with this guy. Had 2 of his kids followed him across the country. I cant help but think about all the good times we had and it just brings me to tears. I just hope that one day soon very soon I can look back and think wow I never thought I was going to make it. I want to look back and say John what a dumbass you are. How stupid were you? I hope that day comes soon I really do.