Week 2 Day 5...
I cant breathe right now and need a paper bag. I have some news that is my biggest fear in my relationship with John and this whole stupid Army bull shit. Josh the guy that I have been going on and on about has come cleaned that he IS indeed cheating on his wife of like 5 years with a woman from the company. Ooh man just saying that makes me sick and thinking it makes me even sicker. I know that I probably shouldnt worry about John but its to late. Hearing from Stacy's mouth that Josh is cheating and has been for a little over a month just made me fall to me knees in tears. Begging for God to not let this be true. I know that I have been going on and on about much I hate Josh and if you didnt think I had a good reason then I do now. I hope that John didnt know anything about this till just a few days ago. I hope that John didnt see anything between them and I hope that John finds this NOT ok. If he does however then I will be asking him not to talk and to hang out with him. Cheating is just so NOT cool. I think even if John doesnt find this ok when once he gets home then I think that I will still ask him not to hang out with him. Josh has disrespected Stacy in the up most way that John hanging out with him would just be disrespecing me. The big huge BBQ that was going on the last weekend before they left and Josh got into trouble was one day that Josh and this Army Whore had some kind of sexual interaction. It wasnt sex but something else. I'm just glad to all hell that I have John on lock and key and whatever anyones says thats how I feel. Stacy just let Josh do whatever he wanted and look what happened. John and I have our problems and everything but, I would NEVER let him leave while he was mad or angry at me. I dont know what to think or what to say I just feel like crying and I hope to God that John calls me or writes me a e-mail telling me he doesnt know what exactly is going on that he just heard about this also. And that he loves and that I dont have anything to worry about. I know its not going to make me think any different and now with this going on I worry more. I almost wanna fly to Iraq and risk my life to watch John. Because I dont trust him and I have NEVER trusted any Army woman. I know they all arent like that but you know what this is the 3rd Army Whore that I know of doing this to someone. This is going to sound wrong but who cares this is my blog but I dont think that woman should join the Army they get around men and then they just turn into sluts. They dont care if the guy is married or has a family as long as they get off there are fine. And I know its not all the womens fault and that it takes 2 and whatnot and I'm not just mad at this chick but Josh too. But, remember I didnt like him in the first place. Ooh yeah before I wrap this up my whole plain for Josh leaving back home once his done with the Army is now off the table now with Stacy leaving him he might just stay out here. Oh my God please make him go home. I cant take this. I have so many things running though my head right now. I hope that John doesnt talk him out of doing that (going back home) because I really think they spend just WAY to much time together. Ok well I need to eat since I havent eatin ALL day.

Week 2 Day 4...
Alright so I got another e-mail from john today and its just not sounding good. I dont know where he stands in this relationship and it scares me. I know its not good to say this but hes all I have. I have poured out my heart to him. I dont know what hes deal is lately. I hope Josh and him arent like making a pack to leave there wives to have fun and live it up like 21 and 22 year olds do. I dont even know if John even knows about Stacy and Josh and there problems. He would have to right? I mean they're BEST FRIENDS and both of them are on each other things. So, I dont know. I wrote him another e-mail and I'm hoping that its not going to be another 48 hours to hear from him again. This just really sucks. I dont understand why hes making something so small into something so HUGE! Yeah I hung up on him and he did it first with the first phone call. Yeah I said that I wouldnt care if this deployment was for 5 years only because then I wouldnt have to hear from Josh and maybe they would get sick of each other then I could have my husband back to the way he was before Josh even came around. I dont know. I'm so confused and I have a headache and I just wanna talk to John. I cant deal with this shit tonight.

Week 2 Day 3...
Oooh man, well nothing from John tonight but Stacy called me. I guess Josh doesnt want to be with her any more. I guess Josh had wrote her a pretty nasty e-mail saying that he doesnt love her and I guess according to Stacy he only loves her because shes the mother of the kids. OUCH! I know. I hope that John doesnt feel the same way about me. Since we both got e-mails that left a rock in our stomachs. I guess Josh NEVER tells Stacy that he loves her when he getting off the phone and thank God John does that to me. I hope that John still loves me and wants to be with me like I wanna be with him. Yeah and I hope that hes just not with me for the kids. That would hurt me deep. I just love John so much.
Anyways, Hunter and Mason were both good today. I feel dead to the world today since I didnt go to bed till like 5:30 in the morning. So, I'm going to wrap this up and I hope that tomorrow I get something from John. So, I can tell you more about Stacy and Josh and whats been going on with John and I. Goodnight.

Week 2 Day 2...
Ok well I got a e-mail from John and he made it safe to Iraq. Which I'm happy about now the real part of the deployment begins. For those who arent in the military I can now start to worry and stress about every phone call and every e-mail and how it might be the last. The e-mail however wasnt very good. I have alot of mixed feelings about it. Alot of questions and concerns. I know things will be ok and that the Army puts alot of stress on us as a couple and just alone as a soldier. I know once the whole Army is over so will the fighting with John and I well most of it. I hope anyways.
Hunter and Mason were very good for me. I hope that things will be the same tomorrow.

Week 2 Day 1...
Still no word on John. So nothing really to say about that. I guess when he gets a chance to call he will.
Today, I've been in a cry fest. I dont know why its probably just a post-baby thing. All I do know is that the littlest things are making me cry. Like just about anything about a soldier is making me just break into tears. I hope this doesnt happen for much longer because this is just crazy.
Mason, is still acting up during the day. I think I know why now. I think its the breast milk and formula feeding thats hurting his tummy. :( But, I have to do it because I'm not getting enough milk to feed him full just yet. I'm pumping like crazy and still only getting about 2 maybe 3 oz thats with both breasts. GRR... I hate this. I really didnt wanna feed him any formula till I was ready and now this. I just hope I can get my milk up and fast.
Hunter, was good today again. I hope he keeps this up.
Other then that thats all thats been happening today. Nothing new and trust me is something did happen this blog would hear about it. Well, its getting late again and I hear little Mason crying and sleep is important to me now since I dont get much of it. I hope tomorrow SOMETHING will happen.

Week 2...
So, John didnt call yet. I'm thinking that they are on there way to Iraq now. It scares me a little because now this is the real thing. I called Josh's wife Stacy because I was wondering if maybe Josh called her and John is just mad at me for some reason. I dont know but Josh hasnt called Stacy either. Which makes me happy. I just hope John calls tonight. (keeping fingers crossed)
Mason, was my little problem child today suprise, suprise. I didnt know what was wrong with him but he just wouldnt sleep all day. I think that his little tummy was hurting because he really didnt eat all the much and he just cried. Then this afternoon he gave me a nice huge amount of poop in his diaper and hes been fine since. I'm still trying to pump like crazy to get my breast milk up but its not all working to well but, I'm just going to keep trying.
Hunter, what can I say about him today? He was a pretty good boy for once and it was nice. He didnt scream and cry when I turned off cartoons this afternoon and he played in his room nice. The only thing that he did do was he made a HUGE mess on the floor with his toys and I gave him a juice box a few minutes before I put him to bed and he got juice all over himself. That was pretty much about it. He was nice to Mason by kissing him and hugging him he even held him for a while and when Mason was crying Hunter went over there and rubbed his head and said "its ok baby Mason" it was just soooo cute.
I just love these boys and yeah they have there moments just like the rest of us but who doesnt? Right?

Week 1 Day 6...
Nothing today happened. No John nothing. I kinda wanna talk to him tonight so I actually hope that he calls tonight. I wanna tell him and kinda explain whats been going on. The fact is that I'm really jealous of Josh and I said this before in another post here. John seems to me that he has more fun with Josh then with me and that just really sucks. John has told me in a fight that he would never be friends with me if we werent married. That was a punch to the gut. I dont know. I didnt do anything today just laid around and worked around here. Hunter was making me crazy but thats becoming a everyday thing now. Mason is my good sweet baby. He slept and ate and pooped all day. But, now its almost 3:30am here and I really need to sleep now. I just hope John calls.

Week 1 Day 5...
No news on John except that I kinda wanna talk to him tonight. I took Hunter to the park and stayed there for about an hour and a half. WOOHOO for me right? Hunter was spitting on some kids and I have to yell at him. Other then that my day went kinda good. I got up at noon! I know I dont know how that happened but it did. I got my water heater fixed so now I can have HOT showers for more then 10 minutes. I'm slowly working on my myspace.com account so it looks better. Oh yeah we got our utilitie bill today it was $306.33 tell me something how and the hell does that happen? I mean its for 2 months but still. HOLY CRAP! So, now the heat in on low in the living room and I mean LOW and in the bedroom its on but not on enough because I freezing my butt off. Other then that the house is quite besides Mason waking up to eat. And dark and the screen to the computer and the nightlights are the only thing lighting the room. Well, thats all thats on my mind today. I hope that John will call.

Week 1 Day 4...
Well, no news on John today so this post should be a nice one to write today. I really didnt do anything today. I ran up to the bank and cleaned out the car of fast food bags (hey I'm a busy mom) and pop bottles. I took Hunter to the park he fell on some rocks and now has a huge bump on his leg, poor boy. He ended up crying for like what felt like 5 minutes and by the time he was ready to play it was dark so I got Mason into the car and had to fight to get him into the car. I did however to promise to take him to the park tomorrow afternoon and I'll pack a little lunch for him and Mason and have the afternoon there. WooHoo for me a bunch of kids running around screaming ooh yes I cant wait. When I came home I cleaned up Hunter toys and made of box of toys that hes to big for now. Plus, he has like 4 dump trucks. I vaccummed the whole house and moved around the living room. John had it all funky because if the Christmas tree I kept my mouth shut because he was leaving so today was the day that I did it. Samething about the dest top and wallpaper on the computer. He had it with his favorite PC game on it. Now its Mason's baby picture. Well, that was all that had happened today. Tomorrow, gotta take Hunter to the park and I get my new water heater. WOOHOO! Good Day All!

1 Week Day 3...
Before I go on and on about John and whatnot let me just say this. SEATTLE IS GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL!!! The game was GREAT! I'm so excited that they are going to the super bowl. Its so nice to live in a State that football team doesnt suck (Detorit Lions) . See I lived in Michiagn and ooh my there are having just one bad year after another. John and I move out here and start watching the seahawks and WOW they are good.
Ok now about John, he just called about 2 hours ago and he said that he was sorry for being so short with me the last 2 phone calls that hes just sick with a cold and that the weather in Kuwait just was cold and there are having dust storms there and blah blah blah. People I have heard all this crap before from him. So to me it was just in one ear and out the other. But, he said that things are starting to get better now. Hes SUPPOST to get promoted soon. I say suppost to like that because they were suppost to promote him like 11 months ago. I think today just like any other day I just dont really care to talk to him. I dont know if I love him anymore. Its been a question that I've been asking myself for a few months now. John just acts to immature for me. I know that I cant change who he is but a girl can try. Right? Its not what anyone was saying about us. I've been thinking about this myself. I'm married to someone that may love me but doesnt show it, to a person that wants to buy beer and hang out with his friends on the weekends then take that money and use it to something we can do as a family, to go to concerts and go to the bars and everything a normal young person does (that doesnt have a family). I know John can be just about perfect as a father and a husband but he doesnt do it. I think he doesnt do it because he knows that if he does then he would have to do it all the time. I think that if he just does this (being lazy) then I will stop asking and he can just be that lazy.
Oooh man, just when I throught that my day couldnt be any worse Stacy called. Shes pissed at John because John was flipping out and Josh got off the phone after only like 5 minutes. As if she can really blaim John because Josh got off the phone earily with her.
I just cant wait for tomorrow to come if today was like this. I'm going to bed right now so I can get up sooner.

1 week day 2...
John called and it wasnt a nice phone call again. He hung up on me because he didnt wanna start a fight. The weed thing he said that it was just all in good fun and joking. Which I think is immature. He said that if thats how I think than I should just leave him. What a jerk.? He was also telling me that if I dont stop trying to start a fight then hes just not going to call anymore. Which that this point I really dont care. I also told him that I really didnt care if this deployment was 5 years long. He didnt like that and I dont blame him I pretty much said it because I wanted to piss him off. He was giving me some kind of attitude from the time I picked up the phone. He said something about there was a dust storm going on and that he had to walk a mile and a half to call me. And that he just spent 3 days in the field eating MRE's (Meals Ready to Eat) and had to drink water and sleep with everyone that was in a space the size of our closet. I dont know if he just wanted me to say "aww poor baby" but that wasnt going to happen. Oooh man just let him not call me for a LONG TIME and I dont know what I will do. I asked him if he wanted to say in this marriage and he said he did and that I should know that. But, I didnt know that. The way that hes been acting I dont know what to think about this whole relationship. I feel like I'm doing so much to work things out and I feel like I dont get the samething back from him. I love John so much, I really do. I wish I could just know if this marriage is going to work out. I wish I could get a phone call with him crying and saying that he loves me and misses me so much and that hes sorry for being an asshole to me and the kids and he promises me that hes going to be better once he gets back. Yeah I know wishful thinking. Right? I think that maybe John might be having a problem with alcohol withdrawal. Going from drinking EVERY single weekend to nothing for 2 weeks. Is that something that can happen? It has to be able to happen. To me and I think that I said this before that to me with Josh being out there I think that he cant be missing me so much and he was never REALLY there for the kids so this whole being out there sucks so bad I think its all bullshit. With Josh out there and theres no wives and kids so I dont see how it can be sooo bad. And there not even in Iraq yet there still in Kawait. Nothing happens out there except for training. I dont know. Enough with John.
Today, for myself was just crazy. I was breaking down this morning. With John stressing me out then, Mason was hungry and I have that clogged milk duct so I can only really get milk from one breast and thats only about 2 oz def not enough for Mason to eat and I didnt have any formula and Hunter wasnt listening to me. I just broke down and cried. I was completely losing it. I really felt like I needed to scream and have a huge punching bag. But, I fed Mason with what milk that I did have and I got Hunters shoes on and we left. I was losing it so bad I didnt even wear make-up leaving the house. We went to Toy-R-Us and I got Hunter some new shoes that he needed really bad and Mason some formula and because Hunter was so good in the store I got him some trucks. Since, we have been home hes been so good. I'm getting a new water heater which was just so needed. I have been able to only take 10 minute showers for months now. I know to some people having a 10 minute shower is enough time but I love HOT showers where the water makes your skin red and 10 minutes is never enough I need 20 minutes or more. So, thats about the only good thing that has happened today. Geez, thats just really sad that getting a new water heater is more exciting to me then anything else that has happened. Yeah thats really sad. Oooh well. Take it easy.

1 Week 1 Day...
Well, ok I'm still stressing this time its about something thats a little more serious and I could very well be just be stressing over nothing because it has happened before. I was cleaning out the car looking for Hunter cups that he leaves there and I got all John Army crap that he left there and I noticed that hes writing and drawing alot of things that has to do with weed. I even found a website about it in his book. I dont know whats that all about and I know that he shouldnt be smoking weed. I believe the last time that happened was just before he joined the Army. I hope to God that he hasnt because it would def ruin the relationship and hes job in the Army. I dont know. I'm so stressed and tired of all this Josh bull$h!t and everything. I'm just going to bed. Goodnight.

One Week Without John...
Today, was just a blah kind of day. I took out the garbage and did the dishes and cleaned the bathroom. Mason just slept and ate and pooped. Hunter was just on my hip all day. I paid some bills and got Masons baby pictures in the mail that was taken in the hospital. I also took some pictures of Hunter and Mason together on the couch. There so cute. I can really tell that Hunter loves Mason. John of course didnt call but I have a feeling that he will in the next few days. Joshs wife however did call and was just talking my ear off about how tired she is and blah blah blah...shes about 7 weeks preg. I got alot of phone calls today. Which was nice. However everytime I was feeding Mason or was just about to. The house is finally looking nice. Now without John here I dont have to pick up after him and Hunter its now just Hunter. Hes stuff is just toys and Johns its clothes and guitar crap and army crap and dishes. I def. have my hands full. I took care of some important things today like getting Masons SSN and I should be getting that form here in a few days so I can get the freaking taxes done. I can really use the money right now. Just to pay bills and get these credit card bills paid off. I'm not totally sure if I wanna send John his guitar and buy him a amp. This whole John and Josh thing is REALLY bugging me. Its just something that I just cant shake. Oooh just thinking about it gets my blood pressure up. I wish I would get some positive comments on this blog about John and I because I dont want to leave John I do love him and I think he loves me I mean he says it. I have throught about leaving him just because of the way he acts. But what good would that do? I mean I would take the kids and he would have everything else. He would do whatever he wanted. Hows that going to work for me? And I wouldnt leave the kids with him and just me leave. I love them kids more then I love myself. I just wish that we as a couple would go to concerts and hang out and you know do whatever. I get tired of just being a house-wife and mother and not going anywhere on the weekends. I want to party and get drunk and flirt with him but I cant because someone has to be the adult for the night and get up with the kids etc. To me it seems like John always get to have the fun. And this could make me cry but its always without me. Last year it was Ozzefest and him getting drunk EVERY weekend. Hes friends asking him to go places outside of work and not even once thinking that oh his married it would only seem right to ask her to come along. I dont need friends to hang out with and I'm not saying that John cant have friends I just want us to have friends that are just like us in the sence that we are a family and its not just John but the (our last name) family. Why dont people get that? Or at least his friends? I'm not about going to the bar and hanging out with girl friends sitting back drinking. I wanna do that with my husband. I wont want to hang out with just me and my friends and I'm married and thats just the way it is. If someone whats me to go somewhere then John should be able to come also without question. John is a part of me in every way shape and form and I should be a part of him. I just dont get that feeling. I am however going to put a large stack of cash for me and the kids in case something does happen and I do have to spilt for a day or for forever. I have talked to a few professionals about it and they agree thats a good idea since things get really bad between John and I. He has called the cops on me before. If thats not F'd up then I dont know what is. Ooh I know how about that happened while I was 6 months preg with his kid. Yeah what a guy. Isnt he the best? I hope he calls soon hes really put me in a pissed off mood ever since he hung up on me.

Day 6 Without John...
For the last couple of days I'm right breast has been killing me and its red and sore and it just freaking hurts. So, I go to the doctor today and I have a clogged milk duct. Now, I'm on Meds for it. It better go away. If it doesnt with the meds then I have to get a drained. Which I think is going to hurt like hell. Its not affecting Mason eating it just could bring to me tears feeding him. I'm trying everything possible to break it up and get it flowing. Its just to sore to touch. Wearing a bra hurts.
Ok enough with my breast. LOL. John didnt call today which is fine I guess he'll call when he wants or has a free time. I dont know if hes mad at me still or not or whats going on with him. I dont know NOTHING about whats going on with him or out there in Kawait. I wish there was a number that I can call to somehow reach him. But, there isnt. GRR...
Hunter was good today well at the babysitters. There was no way on Gods green Earth that I was going to take him to the doctors with me. I had to wait for over an hour to get my Meds. But, it was free.
Mason, was my little Angel today like always. He got a bath today and that helped him relax a little in the night. I hope that he sleeps good tonight.
Tomorrow, I'm not going ANYTHING! I have so much crap to do around here its just freaking crazy. I have everything like washing clothes, doing the dishes, taking out the garbage, cleaning the bathrooms and just everything. I just wonder how much I'm really going to do. I always just get side tracked and end up doing some of the things and not the important things like cleaning the bathrooms. I also wanna clean out the closets and get Johns Army crap picked up and I still see Army things in the living room like hats and etc. Its all going in a box with the rest of his crap.
I better get to sleep so I can have at least a few hours of sleep without Mason waking up. And IF John does call maybe I can be a little more awake.

Day 5 Without John...
He finally called! WooHoo! On the other hand its not all woohoo. He called at like 4 in the morning. I was only sleeping for like 2 hours so when he did call I was still more then half asleep. I guess I asked if he was getting tired of Josh and he said that it was only 4 days. We ended up almost fighting and then it got quite over the phone and I had to get up earily for Masons appt so I said that why dont you call your parents and he hung up on me. Can you believe that? I was pissed and was like what the hell? This was not how I wanted our first call to be. I wanted it to be you know "hi baby, i miss you so much and the kids and how are they? I wish I was home right now. I love you so much baby." You know? Here I've been stressing and crying because he hasnt called and that I miss him and this is the first call I get from him. I now dont think I want him to call. If this is how hes going to be when he calls F*** him. I guess we'll have to see whats going to happen when he calls again.

Day 4 Without John...
Ok well today I just stopped watching the phone. I guess when he gets a chance he'll call. I tried not to think about him today. I cleaned so more and didnt wash any clothes. I did however wash the dishes. I'm doing a better job keeping them up when John ever did. LOL. Samething with the garbage. I guess if anythings going to go right then a woman has to do it. Sorry baby. My friend Rose came over with her two little boys it was nice. Other then that nothing else really happened. Tomorrow, Mason has his first doctors appt and its at 9am so I gotta get to bed earily. Today, was an all in all a good day. I hope tomorrow is even better.

Day 3 Without John...
I'm happy thats its now been 3 days because it feels so much shorter then that. I STILL havent heard from John and I dont know what to think. Think positive right? Ok, so he made it safe to Kawait and there checking in there things. Ok thats about as far as I can think positive. Because he still hasnt called my mind starts to wonder if hes doing something that he shouldnt be. I dont wanna think about that but it just happens.
Today, I cleaned the living room to were we can sit down there and your not sitting in chip crums and stepping on toy cars. I also cleaned up all Johns Army crap that he left on the floor. I washed some clothes (I mean I have to leave something to do tomorrow) and cleaned up the bedroom.
Hunter was driving me nuts today. He was just getting into EVERYTHING! Masons new swing and bouncer, the pens and paper, markers, you name it he was getting into it. I made him some Mac and Cheese and after he ate he kinda calmed down. Thank God.
Mason, my good baby just kinda slept all day which is nice. I'm back to not taking great care of myself and now I'm not producing enough milk so I'm giving him breast milk and formula. I hate it because I was really hoping that I could just do breast milk till whenever I wanted to stop. I think with John not calling me its just making me a little stressed and once he does and I know that everything is ok then I'll be shooting out milk like theres no tomorrow. Gross, I know.
It feels so late right now just looking at the clock and it only being just about 6pm I feel so tired. I still have to give both boys a bath and get Hunter into bed by 9pm. WOOHOO just 3 more hours.
Wow, I just got all depressed there for a sec. I was thinking that tonight is Sunday night and that there wasnt going to be anything on tv tonight and yet all Johns favorite shows are going to be on. I could cry. I miss him so bad. I guess it was going to happen one way or another (me crying) I just hope that everything is ok with him and that he misses me and the kids. I know that he probably does but I just wanna talk to him and hear him say it. I guess I just wanna go back to Friday morning and just hug and cry on him. Because Hunter was so tired he just screamed and didnt let me think about John leaving and now I just wanna hug him and cry. I wanna see John cry and hug me. I need that. I'm a little scared that when John does call that thats all I'm going to do is cry. I have been putting up this front that everythings fine which it is but, my other piece of my heart is in Kawait or hell he even could be in Iraq now. Hes my other half and I'm sad. I could really use a hug right now and a shoulder to cry on. And yet no ones here.

Day 2 Without John...
Well, I still havent heard anything from him today but the night isnt over yet. I was slowy cleaning up what Army crap he left behind and I was getting all sad. He had his coat over the back of the couch and I picked it up and gave it a quick smell and put it back in the closet. My house is a complete mess. Ever since he left I've just been keeping myself to busy to clean. Sunday and Monday I'm not leaving the house so I'll clean then.
Did anyone watch the freaking football game between Seattle and the Redskins? OMG, it was great! We so won 20-10 Seattle. Can anyone say SUPER BOWL?
Other then that all in all today was a pretty good day. I got somethings that needed to be taken care of and somethings that I couldnt.
Someone wrote that I cant live with John and I cant live without him and its so true. When everything is going great between us things are perfect. Then there are those days when he just breathes wrong and I just snap. I love him so much and care about him that I just want to put in him a cage and put him in my closet. I think that sometimes I need to fight with him just because hes the only only one there. He does the samething to me. He gets stressed out work and comes home and I'm his release. I know that sometimes I hate him and say some really hurtful things to him but, I really love him. If anything ever happened to him I wouldnt ever to the same.

Day 1 Without John...
Well, its been one full day now that John has left. I feel ok. I cried a little after seeing him get on the bus and even thinking about it now gets me a little worked up. I went to the store today and was sitting in the back feeding Mason and talking to Hunter and I said that I missed daddy and I started to cry a little. I havent all in all balled my eyes out but I feel that its just not real to me yet.
I missed his first phone call. He called from Germany. He said that he was in Germany and that it was 2am there and that he was going to call me again as soon as he stopped again or was near a phone and that he loved me. I was beating myself up over missing his call but thats just my luck. I go out and try to make things as normal as possible and this is what I get. All in all things are going as well as can be. I have a friend that calls just about every night to check on me and with the computer I have the blog to write what I'm feeling. I feel that I could use a really good cry just to release some thing inside. I dont want to but I know that its something that should be done.
Tomorrow is a new day. With that the sun will come out tomorrow. Right?

The Last Day...
Well, today is the last day that John will be home and I still cant cry. He just came home and he has to be back at Ft. Lewis at 11 tonight. I dont know if I'm going to see him off. I know I should but (getting all choked up) fighting with him over something stupid makes things easier for me. Last night I burned the hard feelings and as he was sleeping I went and laid on top of him and hugged him and gave him kisses he told me that he loved me and I said it back and all but still no tears. I guess I NEED him to say that he wants me to come tonight to see him off. I know thats what made him upset the other day when I told him that my sleep was more important then seeing him off. Ok well bring on the water works. Now I just cant let him see. LOL. This is so stupid. When he came home he didnt even kiss me hello. Talk about OUCH! I wonder whats the rest of the day is going to be like. I have some things I need to do like go to the post office and buy Mason's birth cerif. I would like him to come but I'm scared to ask. I would like to do alot of things before he leaves. Yeah sex is out of the question since I just had a baby wow 2 weeks ago. But, I think just getting out of the house and doing things as normally as possible is best.
Johns not going to Baghdad thank GOD! Hes going to a place that saver. Soldiers say the more south you go the better it is. Hes going so far south thats I think its pretty pointless even going. But what can I do? Nothing. I guess there going to Kawait for a few weeks doing more training. But whatever my husband is the best soldier and no matter how mad I am at him that never changes. He made it a year over there 4 to 6 months is nothing. I hope that time just flies by. With him being in Kawait for a while he really wont be spending to much time in Iraq itself. Out of the 4 to 6 months in Iraq maybe a month or so will be in Kawait. WOOHOO! Thats good.
I just really hate this war and everything it stands for. No one better die over there this time around.

My Husband John...
Grr... he really gets on my nerves. He doesnt help me with the kids. AT ALL! Everytime I ask him to help me like change a diaper or something he bitches and moans and takes his sweet time then does it. Hes leaving in a few short days and I only cried once. You'd think that he would wanna do everything before he left. Ooooh no not John. I hate changing diapers but I dont bitch about it I just do it. Theres things going on at work and hes not telling me anything.
We got into it a few nights ago well it was last night and it cont' this morning at 6am. I told him that it felt like his sleep was more important then taking care of his kids. Then I went on saying that I wasnt going to see him off on Friday morning because my sleep is more important. I know what a thing to say and that hes leaving and may not come back. Yeah yeah yeah I know. But, I was mad and I know thats not an excuse but its the truth. I feel that these are MY kids not his or ours. I give them baths, feed them, play with them, get up with them in the middle of the night change more diapers then he has ever done.
I know we shouldnt fight before he leaves but this is something that always happens. I think well I know that it just makes it earier that I hate him then be all sad as he goes.
Other then that my day went nice. Ok Mason stayed up most of the day. I seriously need to get swing or something holding him all day just isnt cutting it. Hunter was my little headache today. He made his messes and I would clean up then he would make another one. I made dinner for Hunter and I and got John to take Mason to get him ready for bed then I got the Hunted one ready for bed.
I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

The count down for Iraq...
Well theres only a matter of days now for John to leave his family for a job that could kill him. He could be leaving for Iraq in just a week and counting. I'm still not trying to think about it just because I could cry in a matter of sec.'s. Its only for 4 to 6 months but he already spent a year over there. He saw things that no one could ever see and be ok with and John not even ok. Hes 22 years old and saw things that 50 or 60 year old people havent seen before. To think that John had to see a little boy that was no older then our 2 year old son that was standing there begging for food get shot right in front of Johns face because he was in the way of shooting my husband it just makes me sick. What the hell is wrong with this world? How can anyone shoot a little child? How can anyone shoot anyone? I guess when the days are long and the nights are longer and both kids are sleeping I guess this blog will be the only thing that keeps me going. To be able to share with the world what I'm going through. Yeah there are tons of thoursands of women and men that are going through the samething as me but for every person there experence is different. This is will be in my shoes. The day and the life of this military wife that prays that there isnt that knock on the door. Thats pretty scray to think about, you and your husband are a young couple and have 2 small kids and he goes off to war and the wife or the husband doesnt know if hes coming home. No one can answer that. I havent prepared for the worst to happen and cant even perpare for him coming home yet. Because I cant even think about him leaving yet. Man I'm in it for a rough ride. I dont even have time to perpare myself for this deployment. They gave us notice like months ago that orders have come down but things change all the time in the Army. Hell things change day to day in the Army. Why me? Why him? Why us? Why now?

New Years Weekend...
What a week, what a week. Well I had the baby! Mason Lee Ward was born on Dec. 30th 2005 at 7:56p.m. weighing in at 7lbs 4oz and 20 1/2 inches long. He looks just like John and I's first son Hunter. They even weighed the same. I can tell hes my good boy because he doesnt wake up at night to eat I have to wake him up to eat. Its so nice to have him home now. Im slowing getting my stomach back which is really nice. I hope to wear my reg clothes in the next few days. Labor went by really fast and it was hard I was in a lot of pain like Im sure every woman who had a baby would know. I went from being 3cm dialated to 7cm dialated in a matter of walking to the car and walking back. I think the back labor was the hardest. It felt like my spine was going to break out of the skin. John watched the whole thing since he miss everything with Hunter. I was happy now that he knows that I wasnt joking about being in pain. He saw the tears and shaking and the pushing and everything else that goes along with it.
I came home New Years eve night 45 minutes before midnight. It was kinda funny John and I didnt even care about drinking hell or even watching the ball drop. We now are a family of 4! I feel a little out numbered only because I'm seriously the only female living here. I mean the cats male and John, Hunter, and now Mason. We now have 2 kids in diapers, 2 kids that needs the both of us I think we havent even seen whats going to happen yet. Its not even a full day that Im home yet and so far Hunters been great he was holding Mason this morning and it was picture perfect. John walked in and just said WOW look at my boys and he stepped back and said WOW my boys! It just about put a tear in my eye.
Other then that I feel like I gave birth. My nipples are in pain, I'm bleeding like 9 months of periods have been gone and this is the only way God can curse me, since I'm brestfeeding John really cant get up with me theres really nothing he can do besides change diapers. I really feel complete now. I have someone for Hunter to play with and someone to keep me busy now that Hunters getting to the point where he doesnt need me as much. Plus, with John leaving for Iraq again in 2 weeks Mason will be something that will keep my mine off him and worring as much. Well, Mason is being quite and this is my only chance to take a shower so I better get it while I can. I love having a family and it being my family is even better.