My life in my Mind...

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Sorry its been a while but, I've been under the weather. I got sick on Friday and now its Sunday and I just feel weak. I'm to scared to eat and know if I dont I dont feel any better. Hunter also got sick and so being alone and taking care of a 2 year old whos also sick and a 1 month old really is hard. When I'm sick I like to be babied and just lay in bed and have someone get things for me. I have like 4 loads of clothes to wash and I still havent cleaned Hunter nasty bed up. (Hes been sleeping with me) the house is a complete mess, John still hasnt called or e-mailed me. I'm now under a 100 lbs. I dont know what else to do or think or anything. I just wanna get better and cont' to work on this marriage and change myself and hope that John sees it and wants to work things out.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

I really dont know why I'm sitting here writing about something I dont know what to write. In my relationship with John I felt so big and now I feel tiny. Im waiting for the depression part of my life be over with and I can be happy again. Even watching my 1 month old smile brings a little smile to my face but, other then that nothing. I'm at the point of just crying all the time and sometimes for no real good reason. For example I was talking to this guy that was in John company a year or 2 ago on IM and he made me some little roses and told me that I looked nice and I just started crying. Since I was on webcam he saw and felt bad at first. But, it was tears of a little bit of happiness and a little bit of sadness. (crying) I just so need to hear that John loves me. This has been the worse year of my life and its only Feb. John hasnt called or left me a e-mail since the one telling me that he thinks he doesnt want to be married anymore. That was Sunday. I know its only Wed. and to just give it time but I fear that if IF something happens to John then the last thing he said to me was he wants to leave me. I have 21 messeges on my answering machine all from John that I saved and I cant bear to listen to it. I miss him and his voice and everything about him. My friend Emily said that in her blog that buying something for herself felt really good and that its the small things in life. Hearing John tell me that he loves me is the only true thing in life right now that would make me happy. I know its sad to say that. To think that someone and can have so much power over how you feel but, John does. Every morning I wake up praying that I have something from John anything. I get nothing. I dont know how much longer I can do this.

Monday, February 20, 2006

My World has shattered like breaking glass in front my eyes. My knees are weak and my hands are sweaty, I feel unloved and alone. The only water I drink is sweet taste of my tears that I cry. I'm cold in a heated room and it dark even with lights on. I'm scared of the unknown and fear the worst. My heart tells me to beg for forgiveness for I have done wrong. I fear its to late and I have lost him forever. I know I have done wrong and I know now what is right I can finally see the light. No hand to hold on to, no one to hug, no shoulder to cry on, to one to hear me. I've lost 7 pounds in 2 weeks. My husband I fear I lost forever. The only man that I truly love. Dishonestly, secrets, distrust and moodness have won in this marriage that was the only thing I hung on to in life.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Just Another Day...
All day today I just ran myself around. I had so many things to do. I'm so tired that I could fall sleep standing up. Im really scared to hear from John if Im going to hear from John. I know the last time he told me that he was finished he smoked again to get at me. I'm a little scared about what he may/is doing now. Like is he still wearing his wedding ring? Has he started smoking again? Did he buy that guitar before I cut off his ATM card? Then theres the is he still talking to this girl Nikki? What about this other guy Ryan who is a pot head? I'm trying not to think about it to much but its a little hard not to. Sitting in a quite room of anywhere makes you think about things. Good and the bad. The only thing that Im worried about is US as a couple and as a family. If peole are going to pray for me. Pray that God will close the doors to these people that poison our relationship. That God will open Johns heart and fill it with love and happiness with Me and his family. To make our marriage stronger then ever. That is what I want and I hope that John feels the same way.
Who really cares about the date...
Sorry everyone if I have worried you at all. Things between John and I have gone from bad to worse. Its a little hard to explain. If you really wanna know then I will tell in the next post. I went to the ER on the 13th and sat there for 8 hours! I'm on meds now for depression.(Not because I sat there. LOL) It seems to be working too. I had got a e-mail from John saying that hes done and its just over it that hes tired of feeling gulity when he hasnt done anything wrong. Then why would he feel guilty if he hasnt done anything wrong?
I didnt get anything for V-Day! Not a phone call, no a e-mail, nothing! I was sad and a little upset. I mean to be single and that day come around is one thing but to be married and get nothing that really sucks. but, whatever I dont know where the marriage is going to go. I'm seeing someone for myself to make myself a better wife and mother. I have alot of problems and I'm making the first step to make it right. John doesnt see it yet because its only been like 5 sessions. He cant think that this is going to be a over night thing is he? Im really worried about the marriage but, Johns good friend Robert said that John just sounds like hes at wits end and doesnt know what hes doing.
Well, I'm still alive and I really throught that I was going to really lose it. I'm so thankful for the friends that I have...Emily, Rose, Robin, John's family,Robert, Kendra, Matt, Tami, Karen. You have seen me at the worst and at my best and for that you are more important to me then anything else in the world. I love you all.
Im not a real praying person but I've been doing it alot more for this last month. I want this marriage to work more an anything. I really love John to death. I know that no one is perfect but we can make it close. I dont mind the fighting yes, there could be less of it but I dont think that its to the point to just give up on 2 kids and 5 years. Thanks again everyone!

Monday, February 13, 2006

1 Month Day 2..
Nothing good happened today. John called and hung up on me again. I have a doc appt tomorrow so I dont know. I dont want to care anymore about him about this relationship. As of right now John is just a no one to me. I took off my wedding ring and I wont be online for a while. Except to write on here.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

1 Month 1 Day..
What a day, what a day? Sorry everyone but some crap happened today so this isnt going to be a good post. And for once it doesnt have anything to do with Josh. I have some good news but, mostly bad.
Good news: John got online this morning and we IM each other for like 2 hours.
Bad news: Its a long story and if you dont know all the peeople then it makes it harder but I'll try. This last summer the summer of 2005. John had came home from work and was accusing me of something that NEVER happened about something that happened like 5 years ago. This guy Joel said that I kissed his thing for a ride to a grad party and it NEVER happened. I asked John how did this guy Joel get into contact with him and he said somehow through Yahoo IM. I now find out it was through myspace.com. So, John lied to me this morning about what happened and why he closed the account. I guess John had this myspace account for a while and I think he was looking for a drummer. Well, this girl Nicole (shes the girl that I moved in with when my parents kicked me out. She also the girl that got John and I together.) John was madly inlove with this girl before we met. I guess Joel found John and Joel told Nicole that John was on myspace. I dont like Nicole because shes a back stabber, a slut. etc. etc. Anyways, I guess John and Nicole were talking over the summer without me knowing. 2 weeks or so before John left for this deployment he asked me to send him the picture that he sent me back to him. I asked why and he said just to have it. Without any other questions I sent it to him. I had found Nicoles profile on myspace and what do I see but the picture of John that he asked me to send back to him. And written above the picture where it says Heros it says I love you and miss you so much and I cant wait to see you again. Im so hurt and upset by all this and I cant wait to talk to John again. Im trying not to think about the worst because that will just get me all upset again. So, this is what I think..John got on myspace.com to look for a drummer and Joel found John, Joel told Nicole and Nicole started talking to her. Now, I think that the reason why John closed the account was because of Nicole. I think and hope. I just dont understand why John thinks he has to lie to me. If he would have just told me what he was doing then I wouldnt make this a deal. When I talked to John this morning he said that he was going to call well try to but here it is 2:20am. and no phone call from John. So, oh course I'm stressing and all upset again. But, I'm getting to bed really so that can be a plus. LOL.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Month 1..
Ok I have serious problems and I dont know what to do. I think I like pain and being hurt. What do they call those people? Oh I dont remember but I think I'm one of them. I have a myspace account and stupid me looked up Josh. Hes on there with Johns pictures on his profile. I know once again this is Josh and not John. I get that. The fact is I dont like this guy and my husband is around him. Then Johns picture is posted there on his profile. Needless to say I started crying and getting all upset and this time my hands went numb kinda like when your foot falls asleep. I dont know whats going on. I just wish that John would just have never met him. I hate this so much. All day I was in a pretty good mood and then around 10:30 stupid me whats to do something stupid. It never fails. I feel very uneasy right now. Kinda like I'm going to get sick. John needs to hurry up and get out of the Army and we need to move away from all this stress. (JOSH) I cant get into to much detail of what I did but its stupid and immature and I need to see my doc. and talk to him about this because I cant keep living like this I will make myself go into a mental hospital .

Friday, February 10, 2006

Week 3 Day 6...
Another day another damnit. I missed John online again. It was about 6:30am for me and I freakin missed it. Hes just better off calling me. Oh well.
I went to the doctor today and we just talked about me and my childhood. 50 minutes goes by pretty fast. I have another appt on Mon at like 3. I really hope we can start getting into the good stuff like why I do the things I do and how can I deal with them or get over them. Thats where I need help in. I think I feel like I have to be super woman all the time and sometimes I just wanna lean on someone for help. I think its about time I put my cape away. I feel like I'm trying to be strong for John in the sence that I tell him that everything is just going great when in reality its not. I sometimes feel like my whole world is crashing around me. I stay strong because I have to be and not because I am. I think its just really catching up with me. With depression its even harder. I have Johns side of the family and a few good friends that I can count on but there are hundreds of miles away. Ok well I'm tried of this depressing crap its just bring my down.
Maybe I'll start tomorrow with a clean slate. Start over from the inside out. As of now its late again and I'm beat. Night all.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Week 3 Day 5...
Hello all. Today I did nothing! Not a damn thing all day besides make dinner. Pork chops, stuffing and a baked potato. Yummy. John didnt call me or e-mail me. I know that hes ok. I didnt get that knock on my door so hes still alive. I got nothing good in the mail which kinda sucks. I love getting mail hell even bills. LOL. I sat here on the computer and drank all day. I even made myself get sick from drinking. That wasnt fun but I feel better now.
Hunter was good. We rough housed in his room for a while then I played cars and trucks with him.
Mason was my sweet baby. I cant believe just how big hes getting. He lost his newborn look and now just looks like a baby.
Well, tomorrow I have another appt with the doctor. I hope we can really start analyzing what I do this the relationship with John to make things bad and how can I change them or deal with them better then the way I do. I really need to get my taxes done too. I think I'll do that Friday. Ooh I dont want to. Ok, so I'm hitting the hay now. Its just about 2:40 a.m and I know that Mason is going to get up soon to eat and it would be nice to get some sleep.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Week 3 Day 4...
John called me this afternoon and we got to talk for an HOUR! Hes working 12 hour days 6 days a week and only one day off he just tries to sleep. Anyways about the call. Hes sick with a cold, hes only smoking 5 or 6 cigs a day. (which is better then what I throught). I told him that if he didnt quit smoking then I wasnt going to pay off the credit cards bills. He asked me what I wanted for V-Day and I told him that I didnt want flowers or cards or even a letter that I wanted him to quit smoking. He said FINE in a pissy tone. I'm going to buy him some guitar picks and toothpicks so that way he can keep his mouth and hands going without hurting me by smoking. He doesnt sound like his having the best time there which makes me glad. The more he works the faster the time will go. It still looks like this deployment is going to be 4 to 6 months. He thinks more like 6. Which is fine I guess. Its better then a year or 18 months like some deployments have been.
I did my anal clean which means that I cleaned all day and real hard. I mopped, cleaned the windows and TV's, mirrows, dusted, and took out all the garbage. I'm still not done I have some more to do tomorrow. The only reason why I couldnt do it all today was because Mason got up. Well, its getting late again and I'm freakin tired. Night!

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Week 3 Day 3...
I had my first doctors appt today. It went pretty well. I throught that I was just going to go in there and just start complaining about John but, I didnt. I just filled out some paper work and we talked about what I hope to see happen with me and with the relationship with John. I was honest and I know its not going to be a over night thing but I hope that he can help me deal with things better then I am. I told him that even if John and I dont work that I can take what I learned from him and apply it to the next relationship. But, Im hoping that John and I do work out. I just wish he would stop hurting me like he is/does.
Other then that I didnt do anything else. I got KFC for dinner is was soooo good. I have been craving it for a while. Dont you just love that? You crave something for so long that once you get it it just tastes so good that you cant stop eating it. Oooh I love it. Ok well its earily but Im dead to the world being so tired. So Im hitting the hay. Night All!

Monday, February 06, 2006

Week 3 Day 2...
The only time that I turn off the computer for all of 30 minutes John gets online and I miss it. Crap like this makes me kick my self in the ass.
The Super Bowl was on and Seattle lost. It sucks but whatever theres always next year. I went to the store and picked up some drinks for myself and I ordered pizza. Its the first thing that I have eatin in like 3 or 4 days. I dont know it just didnt taste very good to me at all.
I know this is going to make me look like a bad mom but Hunter is still up and its like 2:45am. He took a late nap but geez hes laying in my bed but the TV is on so I know hes tired but he just wont go to sleep.
Ok, well I'm going to bed and I'm going to fight for him to get to sleep in his own bed.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Week 3 Day 1...Cont'
Ok so John called. I cried the whole time. Hes NOT cheating and hes just tired of fighting but who isnt. I told him that I was going to talk to a doctor and that I wanted him to do the same. He knows that I'm hurt by the smoking and is going to stop. At least he better. I feel so much better now. I guess hes just has a lot on his plate at work there and that its crappy what they have to do to the prisoners. In the sense that these men and women have shot and killed US troops and now he has to pretty much wipe there ass. Thats his words not mine. I dont know. Hes going to try and call me more which will be nice. Oh and I guess Josh is on the other side of the camp and they hardly see each other. I think the only thing that will make me 100% all better is John to quit smoking. I know its not a huge deal to other people but its a huge deal to me. Plain and simple. I care to much about him to die on me when we are 60 of something that he could have fixed. So, thats that. Ok, I need some sleep tomorrow is the big game day. I also think this not eating thing is taking some kind of affect on me too. I dont know. Oh well. Night!

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Week 3 Day 1..
Well, heres the e-mails in order. I hope someone can help me what to do.
This is John...
hey its me, ive made it to iraq alive and well. i havent found a phone center yet but im sure when i get a day off ill have time to look for it. our schedule is rediculous right now and pretty soon its gonna get worse. i hope you realize that im kind of upset with you. its not good that you wouldnt care if i stayed here for 5 years and when i say i love you, you dont say it back. i dont know if you dont care about our relationship anymore but if thats the case just tell me. because quite frankly im kind of tired of being pissed off and moody all the time. so lets stop playing games and just get down to what the real deal is. i try to appologize for being grumpy to you and you cant accept it and you wanna get even more pissed off. so im done appologizing. im not gonna have happen this time what happened last time. anyways. moving on. tell hunter and mason i love them both very much and daddy thinks about them every single day. please keep me informed of anything important or big. it looks like emial and yahoo messenger will be the easiest means of communication but i will make an effort to call often. let me know when you get the taxes done and when you send out my guitar crap because they dont deliver it strait to us so i have to go to the post office everyday to see if i have any mail. well i gotta email my parents and let them know im ok. take care of yourself and the boys. ~me

Now me replying-
Hi!
I'm glad that this is via e-mail and not over the phone it makes crying through this e-mail easier to do. LOL. I'm glad that you made it safe to iraq. when I said that i didnt care if this deployment was for 5 years it wasnt like i ment it literally, i'm sorry. However, when your here you make me feel like your guitar and Josh are the most important things to you. and with you being out there it makes me feel like you really dont need me besides to just send you your guitar. and i know your thinking that its not true but thats how it makes me feel. When your home all you think about is the weekend and what day and time is Josh coming over and how much beer is there going to be.? I know what you told me about your list of whos important and i know that work and us are at the top but that doesnt seem to be the way it goes when your home. John, I AM VERY JEALOUS of the relationship that you and josh have. you know this and you seem not to do anything to make me feel any better. just like the first time you were over there you were jealous of a friend that i had made and how much time we were spending together and what we were talking about and now the tables have turned. I have no problems with josh himself however i just wish you would put the same time in with us as you do with him. and look forward to that time like you do with josh. i guess what bugs me the most is that im 23 years old and we are married and have 2 kids however you are the only one that gets to act there age and have fun with there friends and when you do that im not included. (thats what babysitters are for) I dont get that time for myself without the kids. and if i did i would wanna spend that time with you and it seems that all your fun time goes to Josh. we never go out and have fun together you always say we dont have the money we never have money and if we did you wanna pay off the credit cards with it. all work and no play makes megan go crazy. and even more so watching you drink and have fun without me.
im sorry that i didnt say that i loved you but i didnt hear you. i do love you very much.
Megan

John again-
hey, i hope you can explain something to me. ive been wandering around here pissed off and angry for about a week now because last time i hear from you, you told me that you dont care if i stay in iraq for 5 years. you tell me that u have no emotion towards me anymore and you hang up on me. i get into a fight at the phone center with some prick that wants to run his mouth when i slam the phone against the wall and josh has to pry me off of him. i have people telling me that i need help and to talk to somebody because im not emotionally stable. you tell me that i should be fine because i have josh here and everythings fun and games. now all of a sudden its different you tell me you love me and nothing will ever change that. i cant take these ups and downs anymore. my mind is going twelve ways at once. and without getting into the details things have happened here lately that give me the impression that its not as calm as i had thought at first. megan i dont know what to do anymore. im sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. i wont lose sleep over this anymore. i need to know what the hell is happening to me and why you feel like you can put me through this. im not trying to put a guilt trip on you, im just telling you how i feel. i wont do this again this time. that being said, i hope your telling the boys that i love them. i really hope hunter still remembers me. and i hope your showing them both my picture alot. i miss them so much. i have to get to work. we start our on the job training with the air force this afternoon.
~john

Me replying-
call me please
im begging you

John again-
i dont know what to tell you megan. do i love you...of course. but lately i dont know what is going on. things get so bad that i dont know how to deal with them. ive talked to a number of people about the problems weve had and they dont know why i put up with it. the constant yelling and screaming and name calling. megan when you started breaking our bedroom door down with a damn hammer that just totally changed the way i look at you. i dont know what to say anymore. ive told everyone ive talked to about both sides. ive told them about my drinking and hanging out with josh. ive told them about all that. and ive told them about the things that youve done too like setting up a seperate account so you can leave me and slapping me because you know i wont hit you back and still people dont know why i go on being miserable. and all i can tell them is because ive put so much time in this relationship and i love my children. the general thought is that a relationship that is as rough as ours is doesnt get better with time, it gets worse and thats not good for kids. especially ones as smart as hunter is and mason will be. megan im so stressed out i cant think strait anymore and i know youll get pissed off at me but i started smoking again because it keeps my nerves calm. im sorry but i dont know what to do anymore. i know if i called you i would just end up crying and pissed off again and im afraid ill haul off and hit somebody again and actually get caught this time. i need your input here. im not trying to scare you. im letting you know how i feel.

Me again-
i havent eatin in 2 days now. i told you what you should do. you NEED to call me if you want this marriage at all to work. I was trying to breastfeed Mason but because im not eating i cant produce milk. I got REALLY drunk today and almost took some sleeping pills. yeah john im ready to kill myself. the kids are the only thing keeping me from doing it. it got so bad that i called someone and im going to talk to someone for some help. and i think you need to do the same. the people that your talking to isnt who you need to talk to. im going to send this and hope that your there i'll finish what im going to say in pt. 2

Part 2-
i know whats going to happen and it hurts me to say this and since ive been crying all day i cant really see right. the people your talking to isnt people you need to talk to. for someone to sit there and say that you should leave me and why do you put up with this. then you say because you have put so much time into this because you love your childred. what you dont love me? John im so hurt and disappointed in you. first of all you lied to me and you broke a promise to me again after saying before you left that every promise you made your going to keep. im not pissed that your smoking im soooo hurt and really upset. you told me that you didnt want to do it, you told me that it makes you sick. i hope to god you stop right now. the account that i HAD open is and has been closed for months now. john you need to call me or this isnt going to work. you not calling me just tells me what you really think about us. I think that you need to hear my voice. im so confused with why your acting like this.? im over whatever happened over the phone. about the bedroom door what about the 2 doors that you kicked and punched? what about the dresser? i know whats going to happen and i dont wanna tell you on here you need to call me. please. stop smoking now please! stop thinking your going to piss me off john your not your hurting me. if you love me then you would stop hurting me. i would love to stop hurting you and im working on that with a doctor. im getting some real help tp prove to you that i wanna do this i wanna make this work. i think you should do the same. not with josh, not with any friends. what kind of friends say that you should leave your wife and kids? they should tell you that you have to work it out. i wish you would listen to me and not them they arent helping us. just call me i cant keep waiting for you to e-mail me. your seriously killing me. just stop e-mailing me and call. i cant keep doing this john. i love you so much and you still havent said that you love me that you miss me that you want to come home. what is up with that? im worried sick about you. i dont know anything about whats going on there. we need to talk, just talk, not hang on on each other but talk to start over. just call i cant talk here anymore. you have the power to call and i cant just sit here and wait for a e-mail anymore. i sit here in front of the computer for 20 hours a day and wait for you to e-mail me and i dont know even if you read them. i cant cry through this letter john im so hurt by you. and i know that i have hurt you to i just wish you would talk to me and not people out there about it. if you tell me how i hurt you then i would be able to say sorry about it.
i love you,
megan

Thats all that there is now..Someone Please help me.

Friday, February 03, 2006

To Die or Not to Die...
Yup that pretty much says it all. The kids are the only things that are keeping me from taking sleeping pills and drinking 2 bottles of wine. I'm scared of what might happen but right now not scared of dying. I havent been at this point of life for a long time its been about 10 years now. I cant eat or sleep and crying is the only thing that I can do. I'm alone and scared and kinda cold. I've hit rock bottom of life and theres only 6 more feet left. (6 feet under ground). I made the first step and called someone for help. I dont have a appt with the doctor yet but its going to be sometime this week. Thats if I make it through a weekend. I called John's Rear Det. and they are going to write a e-mail to his first SGT and have John call. I just cant believe how far this has gotten. My whole world is coming to a end and my kids are the only thing that I have. Hunter keep asking "whats wrong mommy," I tell him my heart hurts and he gives it kisses. Hes been giving me hugs and saying "its ok mommy, its ok." God, I hope so.
Week 3...
I think my marriage is over. I have got a e-mail from John that has hurt me in more then one way and I dont know how to deal with it. For the last 4 hours now I've been crying and I just dont think that theres anymore tears left. I know that smoking isnt a big deal to alot of people but it REALLY hurts me that John has picked that up again. I honestly think that he wants me to leave him. (Not because hes smoking) The things that he has said in this e-mail just hurt me to the core. I dont know where to go from here. I just love him so much. Yeah sometimes I say that I hate him, I just hate what hes doing or the way hes acting. He wont even call me for some reason. Which just makes this harder on me and I hope for him. He said that he cried but for what I dont know. I know that I have to write him a e-mail tonight and try and get someone from his company to get him to call me. I need to know where he stands and he has to know that dont know whats going on. The e-mails that I wrote him were nice and sweet and I poured my heart out to him so thats gotta stand for something. Right? I dont know. I need to try and get some sleep. Key word: TRY!

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Week 2 Day 6...
So, its been like 2 or 3 days now and no word from John. I really hate this of all times that I NEED to talk to him this is the only time he doesnt call or e-mail me. I know that this cheating thing is just Josh (as we know of) but, I have questions and I need some answers. I want to know where John stands with all of this.
Other then that today was just crazy. I got Masons birth cerf, today and he had a doctors appt today for his ears and everythings ok with that. I did some more running around and I have more to do tomorrow. Ooh man can I get a break. Well, that pretty much covers my day. I really hope that I hear from John soon, like very soon.